incredibly sad and tragic

a terrible day for a fellow saIFer (success after infertility.)
my heart is heavy.
three cheers for babies

she's at it again

my MIL. it's all too familiar. it's p&b's 2006 wedding all over again however this time it's slightly different -- it's ginny's birthday party. her mission? ask every asian in the tri-state area to come to my tiny home and expect to be catered to with full-blown festivities and a giant meal.

it' 10:15 pm friday. b's phone rings. eeeek! it must be hospital.

"yes, this is b."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"oh... hi... I just recently moved back to nyc. yes, I'm married. my wife's name is p and we have a daughter virginia."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"I see. so we're cousins?"

blah blah blah blah FRIGGIN' BLAH!

"so there will be 5 - 7 of you coming to the party?"

b never even knew this cousin existed! his mother invited him (and god knows who else) to come to our little gathering of friends to celebrate our miracle baby's very first birthday. everyone coming knows how hard we struggled for ginny. everyone coming was so supportive during the trials of my pregnancy. everyone coming has special meaning to me, to ginny, to us. everyone...
until now.

the circus officially begins. this shit sends me into crazy person mode. can you hear me screaming my head off?!

birthday time! (plus bonus rant.)

ok. so what is the deal with RSVPs? don't people do this anymore? come on! we sent out save the date emails followed by the invitation. granted we never got around to printing the invites (ran out of time) but so many people have neglected to respond yes or no. I find this rather inconsiderate -- I guess I'm old school. clearly none of our invitees read this blog so I can bitch and moan for a minute. so how many cupcakes will we order for the party? how much eggplant parm do we need? how many bottles of wine should I buy? who the hell knows! grrrrrrr.
rant over.

so here is the final invitation. I went through numerous rounds using various photos. I just couldn't commit to one picture -- until the cloth diaper tutu butt. designers always struggle designing for themselves.

the party will be sweet and simple. no silly themes. no tiny horses. no frightening mimes. just good friends (including many IVF babies) with yummy food, lots o' drink, a couple balloons and a little girl that turns one. what an amazing year to celebrate!

our trip back home to maine

same beach.
3 generations (look! I'm still blonde! -- thanks to william)
2 ginnys.

pretty darn special.

gone fishin'

it's vacation time! new posts and pics coming soon.

"is this your baby?"

we are very fortunate to live a few blocks away from a fantastic park. it's located right smack dab on the east river with lots of grass, shady trees and a small dog dog run -- perfect for our surly frenchie. it also has a great playground that I like to call "celebrity park." supposedly all the famous folk's kids go there (with their nannies in tow.) a suri cruise sighting is inevitable.

if we should venture to our urban oasis during the week I am usually the only mother there. it's only natural to assume that I am hired help for ginny. tall blonde lady with asian baby = imported swedish caregiver. oh well, what are you going to do. I'm already in the minority because we don't sport the UES (upper east side) required black bugaboo stroller. our stroller does the exact same thing as a bugaboo but at a fraction of the price (ha!) plus I can always spot ginny's ride in a sea of parked bugaboos by the infant swings. note to self: must teach ginny while she is young - it's good to be different. the bizarre thing is, all the nannies I have met at celebrity park take care of the children of non-working mothers. how friggin' indulgent! only in nyc would you find people to pay someone a $$$ weekly salary to raise their kids while they shop, lunch, get spa treatments, shop more...

"how old is she?" asks the old spanish woman.
10 1/2 months.

"is she walking yet?"
almost.

"look at those teeth!"
yes! she has 4 now.

"is this your baby?"
like I said, it's good to be different.

PRIVATE

what's the deal with a lot of my favorite bloggers going private? did I miss something? I spend more time now "logging in" than reading and responding to posts. I can't keep everyone and every password straight anymore. I know I haven't been around much lately but why the trend?

I'm currently recovering from being slammed with 3 back to back RUSH projects. the apartment continues to be total chaos and I'm still sporting the same shorts that I moved in (washed of course.) I'm planning ginny's first birthday (can you believe it?!) when I find I have a little "down time." so far all I have done is picked out about 12 adorable party dress options (LOVE having a girl!) considered the menu and started designing the invitation. we are keeping the event simple and small (contrary to b's mother's wishes -- shit! she's my daughter! back off!) in the end we expect around 25 people. lots of fantastic cupcakes and little cornell babies! I can't wait!!!

welcome back! (with a bang! literally)

or make that 10 bangs! I mean gunshots. "pop, pop, pop..."

ginny, b and I survived our second move within 1 month. we are far from settled and unpacked but the nasty, stinky apartment is history. good riddance. on the morning of the move I said to b "just you wait. the building will send up 1 old man to move us." (we were promised 3.) sure enough, the doorbell rang and there he was. 1 old man.

moving 2 floors down seems easy enough but when you have 1 old man it literally takes ALL DAY! plus the move was expensive - $300+. new boxes, tissue paper, packing tape, nanny, $ tip for the old man. b told him to use it for his medical bills. to be honest, I haven't seen our geriatric mover since he delivered our mattress. uh oh.

the only things we unpacked for our first night in the new digs were ginny's pjs and 2 wine glasses. it was while we were resting our sad invalid selves we heard the "pop, pop, pop..."
"what was that?!" (I knew it was a gun. I've heard that sound before.)

then complete and total chaos! "a cop shot!" hundreds of police below our window. men with bulletproof shields. ambulances! lots of them. helicopters! yes, plural. their spotlights beaming in our windows. familiar newscasters, photographers. the scene was straight out of a movie. really scary stuff. our little ginny slept through the entire ordeal. she's proving to be a true city girl.

come to find out there was an armed domestic dispute in the projects next door. 5 officers were at the scene when a pit bull was released and attacked the men. multiple shots were fired and the dog was killed. because the guns were at such a close range the bullet fragments injured 3 cops. an injured cop = lots and lots of drama.

NYC, we've missed you!

life (so far) in the big city

we're slowwwwwly getting settled and finding a routine. our apartment is still a disaster simply because we move again on tuesday. how sucky is THAT?! it's a real shame because I love our current space. the neighbors on our floor are awesome (except for selfish nasty smoker guy) and to have to move downstairs and clean yet another unit from top to bottom really doesn't make mama happy. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. the smoke is really hideous and obviously very unhealthy. so what are we doing this glorious holiday weekend? not eating grilled veggie burgers and tofu pups or lighting sparklers and watching fireworks. PACKING! again. dammit.

go figure! why couldn't we have lived here when I was going through my IVF cycles? I can literally walk to cornell from our new digs. WALK! just a stone's throw away from my hero "new RE dr d." remember him? I wish we could attempt IVF #5 but it's not going to happen. talk about a missed opportunity.

speaking of IVF, here are a couple photos taken yesterday on the east river. fellow IVF baby "m" and ginny had a splendid play date in the park. it was very cool! m's mom will be cycling in feb with "new RE dr d" and I'm terribly jealous. I'm happy for her but I cannot deny those familiar pangs. we have all sorts of cornell "grads" scattered throughout the city. it's pretty funny because we each have a girl... or two ("m" is an nyu "grad.") as soon as the boxes are unpacked and the pictures are hung, I'm busting out the wine glasses and hosting a cornell "reunion" for all my peeps. there are currently 6 of us (8 little girls - includes 2 sets of twins) and we're always looking for new members!

yep! were finally here!

however, "here" is just temporary.

sorry for the long delay in posting. things are crazed.

we moved. and as expected, it sucked. it rained, the movers stunk and I had the expected freak-out. every single move in my adult life has sent me into emotion turmoil. the stress, the cost, the anticipation, the worry, "please be very careful with that!" it all guarantees dry heaves on moving day.

but were here! back in fab nyc! on some bizarre level it almost feels like we never left. yes, the upper east side is NOT my hood but it's ok. I think it will work. no, we don't sport the UES required bugaboo stroller but who cares. ginny is adapting beautifully and lulu is happy to be back on the streets (so many smells to smell.)

I'm alone. b is still 2 hours away in new haven wrapping up his fellowship. he sleeps in the call room and occasionally sneaks in late at night to shower and grab some clean clothes. we haven't seen him in days.

I've been working with 2 clients (TWO!) while simultaneously trying to find child care (which is a full time job.) I missed an important graduation party for b because I had to interview potential nannies.

"why do you want to be in child care?"

"because I don't want to work in a store."

next!

"NO! you cannot bring your friend to the interview!

candidates #11 and #12 were by far "the best." #1 - #10 sucked. it figures I'd find the the decent ones sunday night at 6:30 pm. interviewing is hard work and exhausting. trying to find someone to care for our precious miracle is incredibly dificult! who do you really trust?

so we're unpacked about 90% and ... get this... we have to move... again! our crap ass shitty neighbor smokes incessantly. the second hand smoke is literally seeping through the walls. this is no good for ginny. we gotta go! pedi's orders. so we battled it out with our building and we will be moving 2 floors down on 7 july. the whole thing is just plain sucky. (that's an entirely separate post.)

but in the meantime, here's the view from ginny's bedroom. all pretty and sparkly at night. cool as hell!

lil update

very little.

b and I are up to our eyeballs in bubble wrap, newsprint, cardboard boxes and tissue paper. the nyc move is this thursday (11 june) 8 am. we still have a ways to go with all this packing bullsh*t. I hate it!

I won't be posting for a few days and will be unable to catch up with all your updates. next post will be from manhattan, usa (complete with photos!) I can't wait! wooohooooo!

and we already have plans for friday night! ny, we've missed you!

:)

favorite things - tuesday edition

wine! hey, if you can't BF then the occasional glass and/or bottle is good (for a stressed out individual and her dear husband.) we dig this label (I'm a packaging designer) however the actual wine is mediocre. and the typography is pretty crappy. oh well. but we love the idea. these days we are thoroughly enjoying the yellow tail sparkling. it's cheap and brilliant with grilled shrimp.




































now that it's warm and sunny we love this! the sun shade is breathable and blocks out 98% of UV rays. we don't need ginny's beautiful pale skin to get burned! it's simple to attach and it folds up teeny tiny when the sun sets. good stuff!

where did the baby go?

it now appears that we have a little girl. a tiny person that loves the swing and yellow wildflowers. the changes at 8 - 9 months are pretty dramatic. every single day we notice something new (like another tooth) and unexpected (we have a belly sleeper!) simply amazing. note to self: the first thing we do in nyc is babyproof. yes, it's that time.

this weekend we added "grown-up" foods. ginny's menu included whole wheat macaroni, chick peas, cheese and cous cous. she sits in her high chair and eats banana chunks and puffs like a champ (while simultaneously treating lulu.) I think the frenchie appreciates ginny now.

b had sunday off. we took a well deserved 2 hour break from packing and went to the park. what a glorious day. sunny, warm, slight breeze -- perfection. the little girl loved it!

9 months! NINE!

how is this possible? what a shame that the first few months are a big blur.

yesterday's pedi appointment stats:
20 lbs 13 oz (83 %ile)
27.4" tall (43 %ile)

for some reason I thought she was pushing 24+ lbs and was much taller. her buddy isabel (12 months old) is a tiny peanut next to ginny. so why are we buying (and fitting into) 18 month clothes?

our birthday girl loves to wave, eat finger foods, giggle, play patty cakes, say mama and uh oh. but with all these new and exciting milestones comes some separation/stranger anxiety. not so fun. the best is when b comes home from work and ginny absolutely lights up when she sees him. it's amazing to watch. love it!

here she is on our favorite play mat. it's got a mirror, plush toys and squeaky things built right into it. very cute and so entertaining. the panda (also from ikea) is her new best friend (sorry lulu.)

click on the photo and you can really see her chubster legs. wow!

yet another crapola birthday

sucky.

I told b a few weeks ago that all I wanted for my birthday was the opportunity to sleep in and some long overdue, full-on foot pampering (aka professional $25 pedicure.) don't spend any money. we need to save the few funds that we have.

I woke up sunday morning and practically begged b to get up with ginny. it was 6:30 am. after a lot of sighing and exaggerated yawns he reluctantly changed the baby and took her downstairs for breakfast. man! what drama! how could I possibly go back to sleep and enjoy it? (happy friggin' birthday p.)

9 am, I go downstairs. b and ginny are on the couch watching tv. nobody takes notice of the birthday girl. the coffee pot is cold and empty.

"should we hit the basement first?" I ask while making the coffee. today is a HUGE packing day. we plan out our strategy. moving bites.

"um, aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?"

"oh yeah. you beat me to it." LAME! (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so I spent the entire day in the dark basement weeding through crap, shuffling around more crap and filling boxes with other crap. horrible. however... I knew that later on we'd have a sitter (the third time since august), we had reservations at a nice restaurant AND we were going to scalp tickets for david cook (I pathetically admit -- my silly cougar crush.) things were looking up. woo hoo! pack, shower, david cook! (did I really say that out loud?)

then b's blackberry rang. SHIT! this usually means it's (a) his charming mother or (b) the hospital. any way you look at it I lose. big time.

it was (b.) and it was a transplant. (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so he canceled the reservations and I sulked -- heavily! I opened up my card from b and checked out the gift certificate. hmmmmm. urban outfitters. since when did they start catering to the geriatric set? geez. I haven't shopped there since high school. I then poured myself a glass of wine, looked at my hideous toes and neglected feet and watched the local tornado warnings on tv. yikes! there was a good chance I'd be spending more time in the basement today.

b arrived home early monday morning. the long overnight transplant was a huge success. the 42 year old woman got a new heart and a brand new start on life. fantastic! happy birthday to her!

it really doesn't matter

that I'm sick with a bad cold right now. that b is home vomiting with a stomach bug. that I'm way behind with work deadlines. that my hair has never looked worse -- seriously! that my skinny waist and flat tummy have been replaced with excess skin and horrific flab. that my ass is still fat (nothing new.) that we don't have amazing plans (or ANY plans) for the holiday weekend (aside from packing.) that I'm stuck inside today when the weather is fantabulous. that I'm so friggin' tired that I could literally close my eyes and sleep at my desk. that we have nothing in the fridge for dinner (b isn't eating anyway.) that I have at least 4 loads of laundry to fold, a filthy house and a giant stack of bills to pay.

it really doesn't matter because ginny said "mama!"

weeeeeeee!

never in my life

"OK now you're really living my dream life."

this brought tears to my eyes when I read this after my last post (and I'm teary now.) never EVER in my wildest dreams would I think anyone could possibly think this let alone say it out loud. I realize it's just a casual expression but it still takes my breath away.

I've forever heard "you have the worst luck" and "it figures it would happen to you." things have never come easy for me as there always seems to be some degree of struggle involved. it's just that way -- my life. I consistently take the "long route" with whatever I do. yes, I think I have have accomplished a lot (up through my AMA years) but always with the extra effort. maybe this is a good thing. I certainly don't take things for granted. when my friends announce honeymoon and "oooops" babies, ginny truly stands out as extra special. yes, there was a lot of heartache, pain, unhappiness, stress and $40,000 involved but she was worth the entire experience. I wouldn't change a thing. if IVF #2 had worked out then I would never have met the little girl who's giggles and "uh, ohs! make my day and my life so rich.

so it catches me completely off guard to hear someone say I am living their "dream life." it makes me happy. it makes me sad. I've had a lot of loss (3 parents taken by cancer) but I've also had a lot of good. things with b are great (at the moment) and I have a miracle child that I absolutely, positively adore beyond words. even though I bitch and complain about many things - packing, moving, working. fuck! things are good! we have our health and a roof over our heads (((touch wood)))

davs, your time will come. I know it! hang in there and one day you will be living a dream life. next time you're in nyc, we are so hanging out! drinks are on me!

in a nutshell

packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found tenants for our condo. thank god!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found a kick-ass apartment in manhattan. what a HUGE relief!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.

stressed out!

we move in less than 4 friggin' weeks! FOUR! how the hell is this going to happen? at this point -- completely and totally impossible.

shit.

mother's day (beginner's version.)

10 may 09. I never imagined I'd get to celebrate mother's day aside from being a "dog parent."

I woke up at 6:30 am. sleeping in was a nice idea but not going to happen. b was on call and ginny cried and coughed herself awake at the crack of dawn. poor love bug has a cold. you can hear it in her chest. you can see it in the runny, snotty nose. so sad.

out of bed at 6:40 am. it's sunday. ginny had her bottle and then proceeded to puke. full-on projectile vomit! 8 oz of expensive formula all over me, on the rug and in between the cushions of the leather couch. what a disaster.

then I opened up (the dreaded) greeting card from MIL. "celebrating your first mother's day." oh man. on the cover was an illustration of an african american baby boy. I kid you not. I know she wanted a grandson but virginia is very much a girl. AND I'm white! this is just another shining example of her blatantly not accepting who I am. she hated me even before she met me. inside the card was filled with all sorts of religious scribble to get me worked up and aggravated. "a woman who fears god is praised blah blah blah." talk about passive/aggressive. geez.

then I went down to the basement to start organizing for our move to nyc -- in 1 month! it was mother's day -- beautiful and sunny and I was stuck in a damp and dingy basement packing and going through yard sale/goodwill crap. I did this until the tears.

then b and I argued (gently disagreed) about the legal documents for our new tenants. it was mother's day and I was deep in a dispute over security deposits and official lease jargon (I have a long history of being screwed with rental apartments. must do this correctly.)

then I went upstairs to get ready for dinner. we were going out! woohoo! things were looking up... until I had to get dressed. nothing (seriously!) NOTHING fits this flabby 8 months pp body. it's hideous and gross. I know, I know... sit-ups. but when?

then we drove to the restaurant. closed.

then we drove to a favorite italian spot. the wait was forever and we had concert tickets. of course we got to the show late and... then... there he was. my ex's good friend and band mate. he is also the drummer in the opening band. how do I say hi when I'm giant and fat and smell like broccoli rabe with stinky garlic?

mother's day 2009. perfect? maybe not but I wouldn't change a thing. I have the greatest, most amazing gift of all. that makes this mother very happy.

chomp!

it's official. behind those chubster cheeks we finally have a tooth! wow! baby v is getting too big too fast.