happy 8 months (and 3 days) virginia!

mia

it's been awhile since my last post. busy, busy. I have 2 more days of favorite things, a uterus update and many new photos to post...
of an 8 month old! 8 months! wowza!

b and I (I mean just "I") have been trying to find decent tenants for our condo. decent being the key word here. it's a friggin' full time job. let's just say craigslist = wackos. tons of them! hours and hours of sifting through emails and setting up viewing appointments -- and nobody shows.

fab 2 BR apartment on yale shuttle

"I think the apartment is cute. would you consider reducing the rent by $400 a month?"

"sure, why not. b and I don't need that $4800 a year to pay our mortgage. when can you move in? I'd love to pay your utility bill as well!

"is the unit soundproof?"

beat it.

"we have 2 cats and 3 big dogs (but they're eight years old.)"

ahhhhhhhh. no.

"you say it's available 15 june. could you hold it until august?"

piss off.

is the apartment near the shuttle?

mama p doesn't want to be a landlord. poop.

you can't make this shit up

I go to pick up ginny at the sitter's yesterday afternoon. she is in a bouncy chair fussing a bit and feeding, god knows what, from a bottle. s (the babysitter from a far away land) tells me (in her broken english) that she will bring ginny to the apartment once she finishes eating. fair enough.

b comes home and surprises me a coffee. we sit and chat until s and ginny arrive at the door. ginny's bib is filthy nasty! what the hell? s gives me the rundown of the day -- nap time, bottles, poopage.
"so what did virginia have for lunch today?" I ask.

"sweet potatos, zucchini, and whale."

"what?"

"ahhhhhh, sweeeeet potaaatos, zucchiiiini, and vale." (mind you, her english, not so good.)

b and I look at each other. words escape us.

"wh...wh...wh...whale?" my voice starts to quiver. I'm pretty passionate about whales (hence my trip to alaska to help study the cooperative feeding of humpbacks.)

she laughs. "whale. no fish. baby from cow. mooooo."

"do you mean (do I dare say it) veal?"

"YES!" (take it easy with the enthusiasm.)

I don't know what is worse actually. meat from my beloved sea creature or flesh from a confined and tortured baby calf. both VERY BAD! there is a reason why momma is a vegetarian.

ginny's nasty, meaty bib - straight into the garbage. s and I then had a "little chat." she heard my english loud and clear.

favorite things - thursday edition

all uterus drama aside, the return of our favorites.
soooooo, today I'm starting with 2 amazing websites for those who make their own baby food. I tell ya, once you start, it's addictive. I have so many frozen organic meals in my freezer, it's ridiculous. check out wholesome baby food and nurture baby. great fruit/veggie combinations! yum yum yum in the tum tum tum.

who doesn't love babylegs and all the fab patterns? b digs the pink skull and crossbones -- surprise, surprise. ginny is no doubt my child (once you see her chubster thighs.) tights are not the best especially if you cloth diaper. fluffy butts are big! babylegs are an awesome solution for girls and boys. I have a client that met the (oh so young) woman that started the company. $,$$$,$$$. all it takes is a clever idea.
















next is hanna andersson. I adore all that is hanna! especially the pjs. easy on, easy off (for diaper changes) and super adorable (in a very dr seuss sort of way.) we get ginny's at our local outlet. these pjs rule!

my uterus is falling! my uterus is falling!

to add insult to injury.

talk about a uterus recall! shit! even when NOT TTC my reproductive organs are problematic. I really thought I was harboring yet another UTI since ginny's birth. a few rounds of antibiotics never seemed to get rid of that pesky infection.
so I thought.

my last pee-in-a-cup adventure came up clear -- no bacteria, nothing, nada, you're "fine."

"however... I think you may have uterine prolapse. come see me." says dr f - my favorite.

ok, prolapse. whatever. it sounded pretty uneventful until I had a small chat with dr google. for the love of god! you have got to be fucking kidding me!

"Uterine prolapse means your uterus has descended from its position in the pelvis farther down into your vagina. Normally, your uterus is held in place by the muscles and ligaments that make up your pelvic floor. Uterine prolapse occurs when pelvic floor muscles and ligaments stretch and weaken, providing inadequate support for the uterus. The uterus then descends into the vaginal canal."

if this is indeed what I have, life is cruel. hours and hours of trying to push out a sunny-side-up child was traumatic and completely destroyed my pelvic floor (b's words.) I'm totally unable to do a kegel, I feel like I always need to pee and I have major pressure when I walk too much or too fast. these symptoms scream falling uterus and/or bladder. we shall see.

oh joy.
this sucks.

favorite things - tuesday edition

love, love, LOVE these! they're perfect for trips to the outside world. if ginny smiles or decides to "chat" out falls the pacifier and then momma is out of luck (if the mood should happen to change.)

















I got the beat! how cute is THIS?! nothing like an anatomically correct plush toy for the surgeon's daughter. in fact, this company carries most vital organs. unfortunately they just recalled the uterus. faulty ovaries or something. I can totally relate!

a week of favorite things! weeeeeee!

in our travels, virginia and I have stumbled upon many things that we find pretty groovy. during my pregnancy, (most/some) fridays were dedicated to my fave things. no more belly butters or maternity undies. now it's all about baby, baby.

the beaba babycook rules! this all-in-one machine makes cooking your own organic baby food a snap. it steams AND purees/chops! I make an entire week of dinners in no time and with very little effort or clean-up. $$$ but it rules! (especially when you don't have to pay for it.) ginny looooves her fresh pears with avocado!
I recommend the beaba BPA-free multiportion freezer tray as well.













got drool? next is the organic cotton drool bib. ginny has been a toothless drooling machine for months now and we love these bibs. they are super absorbent and small enough not to ruin a cute outfit. we like that! good stuff. now where are those teeth?

happy happy easter!

ok. enough of this crap.

why do grocery stores insist on hiring idiots?
help me out here. I need to figure out how to respond to all these jackasses.
because it happened again, yesterday.

"awwwwww. she is so cute! how old?" asks the 17 year old girl at the register.

"thank you! she's 7 months old. and thanks for acknowledging that she's a girl. we get a lot of "boy" comments."

"are you kidding?! how could anyone think she's a boy?"

I'm psyched. finally! this might be my first normal conversation with a cashier.
until...

"is she yours?" like that is a reasonable question.

yep.
geeez, people! I know I'm a geriatric mother with an asian inspired baby, but... come on!

in hindsight, I should have said - (I'm not terribly quick on my feet.)

"are THOSE yours?" pointing to her giant boobs spilling out of her skin tight, belly baring, and soooo inappropriate for the workplace tank top.

"and it's 36 friggin' degrees outside fool!"

the return of p & v's favorite things

this entire week was going to be dedicated to our new "favorite things" but a lot has been going on. a fellow saIF buddy lost her twins, phoebe and evan, after being born at 24w 1d. the news is absolutely heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine having to bury a child let alone two. C and I emailed back and forth quite a bit last fall and I felt a real connection to her. her loss is something that I cannot fathom. my (broken) heart goes out to her and her husband R. what a tragedy.

we also had some great news as well. square peg got an amazing fert report from her first DE cycle. she transferred 2 beautiful 5 day blasts yesterday. hurray! she and D have struggled through numerous (4 maybe?) IVFs. this has got to be "it" for them. I had a vivid dream last night that she was carrying twins! she also had a very cool orange stroller (I don't think it really exists.) I was terribly jealous. fingers and toes crossed everyone, for her upcoming beta!

and... a fellow cornell IVFer delivered a gorgeous baby girl, isabella, this week. B and I cycled together twice -- both failures. I'm looking forward to seeing her again (but not in a hospital gown and paper slippers) once we move back to nyc. what a glorious reunion!

a little update: awesome and encouraging news for IVF 40+! her beta for IVF #2 has more than doubled. this is fantastic!

it feels good!

to knit again! AND to actually finish a project! hats are fab. they're super easy, they provide instant gratification and they make a (certain) baby (wink, wink) look pretty darn cute. not bad, right?

wanna talk infertility?

I finally uploaded the IF awareness logo to cafe press (late at night when I finally had a moment to myself.) they've got bibs, organic onesies, mousepads, mugs and tees. spread the word. IF is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'll tell you all about my miracle.

it stays with you.

it's who I am, I'm afraid.

pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.

"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."

"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...

"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.

I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.

I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.

little miss giggles

and look at those curls!

"secret recipe"

so after countless emails asking about my last protocol I am finally posting the formula for our success. grandma's secret recipe. maybe not.

IVF #4
first of all, I believe we went to the best RE out there (in the world maybe) for a high FSH/AMA/DOR/crappy eggs/poor responder dx. yes, this is my simple opinion but many people (with proper medical training) feel the same as I do. dr davis at cornell is a genius! his wait list is very long but he is so worth it. after being "fired" from my first RE, "new RE dr d" was the only one who gave me a morsel of hope. remember, we are talking 1% chance here. my FSH was 16 point something going into IVF #3.

before I completely assaulted my body with hardcore hormones I did a little fine tuning to my diet. my acupuncturist who specializes in IF had me commit to changes that were necessary for my particular dx. I did a lot of research on my own as well.
- no wheat (I ate lots of brown rice and spelt toast with almond butter.)
- no caffeine (I had 1 cup of organic decaf a day.)
- reduce sugar intake dramatically
- no alcohol (not going to lie. I did have the occasional glass of wine here and there. and here and there...)
- no soy (very bad for fertility)

I included
- TONS of protein for egg quality issues (whey shakes, eggs, almonds, fish)
- lots and lots of organic fruit and dark green veggies (kale, spinach, broccoli...)
- fresh (almost daily) 1 oz nasty wheatgrass shot (powdered or pill form is not as effective.)
- omega 3's
- co-q10
- DHEA (75 mg for at least 3 months) really only recommended for AMA
- l'arginine
- pnvs
- folic acid
- specific herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist

b reluctantly included
- folic acid
- zinc
- maca
- fertilaid supplements
- omega 3's
while whining "the pills are too big and hard to swallow."
(insert :::slap, slap, SLAP:::)

co-culture! brilliant! I truly believe this was the "magic bullet" for our bfp. cornell is known for this procedure. it's not for everyone and does come with a high price tag. I'm talkin' HUGE! they literally do a cervical scraping (oh, and it hurts!) and then freeze your cells. it's awesome for those with repeat "questionable" embryo quality. it allows the embies to grow and develop in your own "fluids." makes sense to me.

for round 4 I was put on EPP/MDL (estrogen priming/microdose lupron -- a VERRRRY long protocol.) I was injecting 525 IU follistim and 75 menopur -- 5 shots a day total!

at ER I had 4 total (and decent) follies going in. we were incredibly disappointed. dr g retrieved 4 mature eggs which were all fertilized with ICSI. at my 3dt we had 3 embies that were ready for transfer (NOT implantation!) hoping at least 1 would indeed implant and stick around for 9 months. I did acupuncture immediately before and right after ET. I spent 1 day in bed and ate fresh pineapple core for a week. each day I listened to guided imagery by belleruth naparstek (goofy, I know, but the woman has a serious calming effect.) I was so convinced the cycle was a bust that I took major walks with the dog every afternoon during the 2ww to keep from going insane. but... there it was. 8dp3dt. that teeny tiny hint of a line that literally, only I could see. was it for real? I kept it a secret although I did share the news with lulu. she's good like that. 10dp3dt (day before beta) I did officially POAS. 2 lines! an image strong enough for all to see. what a glorious sight! one of the most fantastic, shocking, brings tears to your eyes, magical, overwhelming, takes your breath away, unbelievable, amazing moments of my life. (I think I left out magnificent.)

thanks uncle mike!

for taking such fab photos. you're the best!

first trip to nyc

it went beautifully! ginny was such a trooper and she did incredibly well. we're so proud of her.

unfortunately we missed out on seeing my buddy john and his band at joes' pub -- sold out! good for him, bad for us. supposedly he is a real rock star with the toddler set. I cannot wait for ginny to get old enough to take music lessons from him.

brunch was great (although very $$) and it was awesome to see everyone. we are REALLY looking forward to moving back. I cannot wait!


















here is ginny with her pal mika (born 1 week before our little one.)

















and here is uncle mike. ginny was diggin' him (and the bamboo tree.)

the little girl has been set free!

(if only temporarily.) we go back for more photos and measuring to determine if head band #2 is necessary. terrible thought, I know.

projectile! volume 2

"I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here."

my turn. 24 hours straight of raging vomit and diarrhea (not so pretty when one continues to have post-partum incontinence issues.) 3 pairs of pjs, 3 showers and one bathmat later I figured it out. sit on toilet and puke into wastebasket (sorry to be so graphic.)

it came fast and furious. like when you're at the beach on a beautiful day and all of a sudden a few clouds appear. then in an instant it begins to pour heavily. the wind picks up and you gather all your crap and sprint to the car. you're soaked. "where the hell did THAT come from?" at 4 pm on saturday this is exactly what happened in my belly. one minute I'm "fine" (rundown but fine) the next, every bone in my body felt broken and I couldn't get warm. the puking was not too far behind. I got slammed. big time!

see what happens when you try to do everything? now back to bed. email client, get hydrated, sleeeeep.

it's about time!

for a "real" layout. I'm working on it...

projectile!

vomit.

all last night. poor ginny had a very sick tummy. I suspected she wasn't feeling well when she started to scream halfway through her favorite thing "yum yum in the tum tum" -- the rice cereal. I thought that was rather odd. her usual enthusiasm was replaced with dramatic tears, an arching back and a little spit-up. not good. the full-on vomit came around 9:30 pm. that horrible noise then splat then wahhhhhhh. b was home (for a change) and this made me happy. I had a team mate to help out with a sick child and all the additional laundry a la puke. but then the reality of the situation hit me. oh, and it hit hard. not only was I dealing with infant belly distress I had a horrific case of chronic manflu on my hands. b was tired.

I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here. I'm sorry but one individual cannot possibly do all things house related, food related, dog related, baby related, work AND stay sane. after the 3rd pajama change and 2nd sheet/mattress pad change I brought ginny into bed with us. she was still having dry heaves and I didn't want her on her back. I literally threw off the hideous head band (yes, filled with vomit) to give the poor child a break. I kept her upright and rocked her to sleep. I eventually put her back into her bed while I stayed up all night keeping an eye on her. I admit I was pretty nervous. every tiny sound that came from the crib sent me leaping out of bed a million miles an hour. she vomited a few more times. she puked, b slept. she dry heaved, b snored. she got up at 8 am. b slept until 10:45 am. until...

"it's not MY job to do absolutely EVERYTHING!" (remember, I'm rundown.)

I gently handed ginny to b while he was still snoozing away. she had already pooped and peed through 3 diapers and 2 outfits. it was only 10:30! she had on an undershirt, a top, socks and a big ass (literally) cloth diaper. I collected the remaining stinky puke items to do even more laundry. when I can up from the basement b was standing at the top of the stairs. "should she be wearing pants?"

"sure." I said

"where would I find them?"

ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

to be continued

happy birthday virginia!

6 months! today! that's 1/2 a year old.
amazing (and very scary) how time flies.

now let's all join hands and sing "happy 6 months birthday to you, happy..."

a little update

I've been VERY busy this week and I wanted to let everyone know that I'm behind in responding to your emails. after my ppd post AND head band post AND cloth diapers post, I received a ton of emails. I intend to answer each and every one of them. I'm so sorry for the delay. apparently my ppd post hit home for many. it goes to show you that women continue to suffer (or get treatment) in private. some are even ashamed. it's that damn stigma thing again. you can always count on me to continue to add to my collection of stigmas and be open about them. infertility, formula feeding, post-partum depression... what's next? I can only imagine.

new camera! new carrots!

thanks ariana for hooking us up with this fab camera. here is our first shot. yummmy.

urine management

it's been awhile since my last post. put it this way, "dopey client." it's one thing to work as a freelancer/consultant for a big design firm. it's another thing to work with your own client. two completely separate beasts.
big design firm = 6 - 8 design concepts with a round of revisions and a set fee. done.
own client = bigger budgets with a lot of "hand holding" and hair pulling frustration. never done. did I mention the phone calls at 8 pm? on a saturday? oy. I've been busy.

so that's what I've been up to, aside from CDing (cloth diapering.) love it! (only after an intense and overwhelming education on the art of CDing.) shit, man! there is a huge CD subculture out there with an enormous, passionate following. BFing and CDs -- talk about serious emotions! you mention "sposies" (disposables) on a certain message board (I'm so not naming names) and watch out, girl! fear for your life!

so b and I spent an entire rainy sunday morning sipping coffee and researching the chore/hobby of CDing. literally HOURS were spent trying to sort through what to purchase for our "collection." blueberries, bum genius 3.0, thirsties, chinese prefolds, indian prefolds, kissaluvs, pockets, swaddlebees, wahmies, snappies, good mamas, AIO (all in ones) contours, happy heiny, fuzzibunz, imse vimse... get the picture? flannel, wool, hemp, organic? snaps vs. velcro? the confusion. the expense. the horror!

what ever happened to the cloth diapers I grew up with? simple cotton rectangles, a couple of safety pins and some good old rubber pants? done! geez. nowadays you need some sort of online degree from GMD (green mountain diapers) ridiculous! and washing them? not so easy. you have to consider hard water vs. soft water. pockets vs. prefolds. choosing the appropriate detergent was a challenging experience as well. I wasn't one to want to wash my bum genius 3.0 (not bum genius 1.0) separately from my kissaluv contours. fuck that. the point is to save money and the environment not do 7 additional loads of laundry every single day. and cost? wow! some diapers run $35... EACH!

after the initial shock ($) and being totally and completely aggravated (with a major bout of diaper rash) we have muddled our way through the murky waters of CDs -- and all is good. very good. in fact, I LOVE my CDs! I have to admit, we bought a few stinkers but we have quickly discovered our faves. we have a nice, uncomplicated routine happenin' now. ginny's rash has cleared up beautifully and I only do 1 extra load of laundry every 2/3 days. couldn't be simpler. no more expensive "sposies" filling up my garbage can (and the earth's landfills.) and those bizarre absorbing crystals left on ginny's bum? gone. but what about the poop? until ginny is out eating chilidogs and spicy beef tacos with her dad (please god, NO!) her poops are unremarkable and pretty benign.

the truth is, yes, CDing requires a little more work but so do a lot of things that are better for our earth and well being. this self proclaimed "recycling bully" is now a little greener. and it feels awwwesome!

another step backwards

for us infertiles.

I wish the media would get it straight! geez louise! (I'm working on my potty mouth. I don't want ginny's first words to be "fucking checkbook.") the idiotic newscasters continue to say "implant" embryos instead of the correct term "transfer" embryos. no, the octuplets were not a result of IVF and implanting 8 embryos. not all transfered embryos IMPLANT people! grrrrrrr.

so here we go again. we are forced to defend IVF and try to teach the public how the process works (when done "correctly.")

IVF 101 -
embryos (usually 1 - 2) are transfered into the uterus with the hope that one will implant and develop into a fetus and ultimately a baby.

dumbass with access to fertility drugs 101 -
my theory on the octuplets? I believe the woman took stims on her own. she clearly responded well to the meds and developed many follicles. any intelligent RE would either cancel the IUI/TI or convert to IVF so he/she had some "control." an u/s would obviously indicate numerous follies. nobody (a responsible professional) would transfer 8 embryos or do an IUI with the potential of producing such a large number of eggs. that's bullshit. this woman already has 6 kids so she's proven she's "kinda" fertile. I think she took the meds with no supervision, hence multiple fertilized eggs (who knows, maybe 15) and the implantation of 8 embryos. idiot.

happy 5 months virginia!

yesterday was ginny's 5 month birthday. shocking! it was a big day for all of us. we officially switched over to cloth diapers (an overwhelming experience.) the tiny, shiny crystals left on her bum from disposables really disturbed me (more on this later.) and ginny began to eat rice cereal like a pro. we are also 3 weeks into the torturous head band (only 5 more to go!... hopefully.) I miss seeing and kissing her little head.

auntie jen was here for a visit. it was great! we shopped, drank wine, took walks, drank wine, shopped a little more, and... drank a little more wine. one of the highlights(?) of her stay was being sucked into the sick, sick world of the duggar family. what a bunch of fucking freaks! (excuse my language.) geez. the wedding of the son was bizarre. and that mother! we figured she has spent her entire adult life pregnant. what do you think her uterus looks like? so if each of her 18 kids has 18 children each, we're talking 324 grandchildren -- 3 times the size of my high school graduating class! these people must be stopped!

how is it possible?

to be so happy and yet so sad.

3 little letters. PPD.

yep. postpartum depression. it's hard to utter those words. it's no good.

I remember my very first acupuncture session, post surgery in early 2007. I was gearing up for IVF #1. A and I spent almost 3 hours together chatting away. we obviously discussed my health, my diet, my lifestyle. but we talked a lot about my relationship with b and what I wanted from my life. it was almost more therapy than needles and new age instrumentals. so what did I want in my life? a baby with b. a baby we'd name virginia.

I got exactly what I wished for and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. granted it was a draining and emotional rollercoaster for almost 2 years and we've exhausted our savings, but my glorious dream came true. a dream that required total dedication on so many levels and almost 400 injections. but she is so worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

so what's the deal? why am I not on cloud 9? but I am! that's what's so tragic. I am over the moon thrilled don't get me wrong. but it's this sadness that constantly creeps into my daily routine. the tears at a drop of a hat. the fear. the irrational fears that are paralyzing at times. like I said, it's no good.

the irrational thoughts are... quite frankly, irrational. do I dare confess? I have moments when I get overwhelmed and panicky at the thought of driving on route 95. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick. cancer runs rampant in my family and I fear it's only a matter of time. the thought of putting ginny through what I went through with my mother's illness terrifies me. the thought of leaving her terrifies me even more. I get teary constantly. tears sometimes for no obvious or logical reason. I've said this before, it is so much easier to be sad and unhappy. it's when you feel good and at peace, that's when shit happens. my life at the moment is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. that's a horrible way to exist. I'm conscious of this and we're working on it.

so I'm back on my meds. the same drugs I took when this whole IF fiasco started. the same meds that I took after my mom passed away when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. we're pretty confident that they'll make a difference with PPD -- something that I've been denying and battling now for a few months. I hope to be feeling better, more "even keeled," very soon. it's an amazing time right now with ginny who's growing like a little weed. we are having so many firsts these days. I refuse to look back on this time and recall a lot of gloom. fuck that. it's time to rid myself of unhealthy thoughts and feeling scared. it's time to thoroughly enjoy my dream.

there. I said it.

"I'm ok. I'm just reshaping."

she's not so happy, our little sensitive one. ginny is very much aware of the head band. I don't care what people say, she definitely knows it's there sitting tight and hard on her tiny head. we have a game that we play whenever we're on the couch. these days it is a very different experience.

"one, two... THREEEEEEE" and I lift her high above my head so she can see her drooly reflection in the mirror. I used to (past tense) get huge smiles and giggles. NOW all I get is a blank expression. how sad is THAT?!

"ohhhh. how cute. how old is she?" a typical comment on a typical trip to walgreens. NOW all I get is a quick glance into the infant seat and then they're gone. the general public is terrified of the head band. TERRIFIED I tell you! ginny has gone from being rather popular and adored to being completely neglected and ignored. "it's not contagious people!"

so when someone says that this is harder on me than it is on her I beg to differ. it's a nice thought but it's not true. the head band has no give whatsoever and constantly pulls on her wispy locks. it's a sweaty mess when I take it off for that one precious hour each night. the sharp point in the front was bruising her left eyelid when she slept (it has since been filed down.) it's bulky and gets in the way when we cuddle. it just plain sucks.

so please, my fair readers, do me a favor. if you come across a wee one in your travels sporting a similar head band (aka dynamic orthotic cranioplasty for plagiocephaly -- say that 10 times fast!) please give him/her a nice, big, heartfelt "hello there! you look very cute today."

"lulu doggie ruff ruff"

ok. what do you think?

thanks auntie laura!

our very brave little girl

she hates it.

I hate it.

this sucks!

today's the day.

the dreaded day. we pick up the helmet.

this sweet, chubby, drooly face. she has no idea what's coming -- poor thing. she had her 4 month shots on monday and has been in a state ever since -- fever, loss of appetite, serious crankiness. I've been in a state myself. I nearly pummeled the plumber yesterday who came to investigate the mysterious source of our christmas morning flood in the basement (2 inches of water in some spots.) of course the water is long gone now thanks a wet vacuum. "there's no leak. it's dry down here." he tells me in. dumbass. he's lucky he got out of my basement alive.

what a shitty week.

(but take note of those awesome neck muscles! good job little girl!)

life with an biracial baby

shaws supermarket. monday 5 jan 09. 4:20 pm.

"Is that your grandbaby?"

huh? "what?... ummm... no. she's mine."

I REALLY feel like vomiting. shit, I know I'm old.

"ohhhhh. you adopted!"

(((gulp))) "no. I had her myself."

long awkward silence.

"but she looks like. looks to be... "

"asian?"

"yeah!"

"my husband is korean."

"oh. paper or plastic?"

"neither. I brought my own bags"

sad news

sad for me.

we finally had our meeting with the cranial specialists. virginia was diagnosed with plagiocephaly. the flatness on the left side of her head is affecting her ear (shifting forward) and eye (facial asymmetry.) she was measured and photographed repeatedly for her custom designed helmet. because she is growing so quickly she starts treatment next week. we tried at-home positional therapy and it obviously didn't work. I am having a fit.

ginny has always favored the left side of her head. we're told that most likely this started in-utero. sleeping on her back (as you know, to avoid SIDS) has only added to the problem. we are instructed to do physical therapy as well to help strengthen the muscles in the right side of her neck. she hates it! tummy time is usually a battle with lots of tears. we have a lot of work to do.

in the meantime I will join (yet another) online group for support. the therapist suggested we do so to "talk" with other parents. ginny is expected to sport the helmet for at least 2 months, 23 hours a day. we will see the specialist once a week for adjustments. it's a 45 minute drive each way. shit. nothing is easy. but after extreme infertility, an anxious pregnancy, HORRIFIC labor and delivery, hospitalization for jaundice, episiotomy incontinence, seriously infected nipples, never ending UTIs, a bout of colic, breastfeeding "gone wrong," and single parenthood, why should anything be easy?

if anyone has any experience with plagiocephaly I'd love to hear your story. in the meantime we will have to take tons of pictures of our beautiful ginny with those sweet, wispy locks.

happy happy!

wishing everyone a very joyous and healthy new year filled with love, hope and miracles!

happy holidays!

-p, b, and baby v
(and lulu doggie)

yes virginia, there is a santa claus.

you knew this post was coming!

and yes virginia, santa does take lunch -- a break between 1:00 and 2:00. we learned this the hard way when we arrived at 2:05 at the worst mall in america. we strolled around for 50 minutes trying to find one decent store to browse in. nothing. even the food court sucked. so by 2:00, ginny (with a terrible cold -- note: runny nose and drooly mouth) had had it. enough.

it was touch and go with santa. she was on the cusp of full blown tears when this photo was taken. her mother was on the cusp of full blown tears when the idiotic woman in front of her insisted on having a redo of her kid's portrait. she sucked up an additional 10 minutes of santa's precious time. I guess she didn't notice the 75 stressed out adults with crying infants and squirmy toddlers waiting in line.

but santa was awesome! so authentic with his thick, white (and very real) beard, big belly and rosy cheeks. however his southern accent really caught me off guard. who knows. maybe he moved his wife, elves and entire operation down to the south pole where it's warm and sunny. whatever.

18 december

I was sitting in the exact same spot as I am now. same chair. same desk. different client.
it was the same day. different year (2007.)
same tragic hairstyle. different weight (ohhhh. to be that weight again.)

it was sunny out. cold but pleasant.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I was only 8dp3dt. I had family coming the next day. my beta was in 2 days. like they say, "ignorance is bliss."

but I had a whole stash left over. so I did it.

poas.

it was a cheap internet test. but there it was! an ever-so-subtle hint of the infamous second line. it was soooooo faint but I saw something. I felt like throwing up. those tests were crazy inexpensive so how trustworthy were they? was this some cruel evaporation line?

I couldn't take my eyes off it. was my brain playing tricks on me? I stared at it for hours. I'd put it down for a minute then pick it back up. I used natural light. I used the lights in the kitchen. I went to the front door (east light). I went to the back door (west light.)

I saw our UPS guy come down the driveway. I was moments away from asking him if he could see the second line. but I was too scared to hear his response. no doubt he would think I was insane. I didn't want him to ruin my moment. let me have this glorious time. it was nice (and so awkward) to feel hopeful.

I emailed a fellow T TTC buddy. she demanded that I test again. so off to walgreens I went. a million miles an hour. I got home and peed on the very popular and supposedly accurate FRER. I was shaking. I waited. and waited. and waited. and there it was...

ERROR

fuck. I was crushed. I decided to keep this little secret to myself. my sister and nephew would be arriving in the morning and I didn't want to be upset and depressed. I decided to wait until the negative beta and then have my official devastated breakdown.

18 december 2007. history was about to be made.

ginny's first photo

exactly one year ago today I had my less than stellar ET. it was a pretty terrible day to be honest. going in I felt defeated. in my heart I was convinced it was yet another failed cycle. only 4 eggs (total) retrieved. 3 embies after ICSI. 3 embies transferred -- 5, 8, and 10 cell. AND another car accident. talk about adding insult to injury.

as I look back at this photo I wonder which one is ginny. I think about the other two. sisters? brothers? one of each? I have to admit, it makes me a little sad.

but look at what this tiny cluster of cells has turned into. the love of my life. I will forever and ever be grateful to my hero (dr d) at cornell. he didn't "fire me" like that other clinic. he gave me a tiny bit of hope that "it" could possibly work. the end result is looking at me right now with chubby cheeks and a giant, drooly smile. beautiful.

a fresh start

it's time for a new (and much improved) title.

(see above)

100 day birthday

supposedly this is big in the korean culture. who knows...

poor little ginny had to wear this tragic (size 12 months) "pimp" coat from his mother (b said it, not me!) for all the photos. 100 days does not = 12 months.

the raisins on the massive 30 lb rice cake spell out congratulations 100 days. now my entire freezer is filled to capacity with leftovers that taste like absolutely nothing.

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree...

ginny's first christmas. I love it! too bad mama looks like santa -- BIG and FAT!

thanksgiving 2007

what a difference a year makes. b (post call and irritable) and I spent thanksgiving alone (and arguing if I recall correctly.) my entire family was in maine and I was incredibly sad not to be up there with them. I was expected to be at cornell at 7 am the day after thanksgiving -- cd 3 b/w for IVF #4. at this point I was simply going through the motions. get up at 4 am, get on the train, get off at 125th street/harlem (still dark out) take #6 train to 68st, walk east to cornell and sit in waiting room for my name to be called. this was my routine. nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary. my life.

like I said "what a difference a year makes." this thursday I will be in maine with my family and virginia will be the extra special added bonus. AMAZING! if you had asked me last year if I thought we'd be celebrating thanksgiving 2008 with a baby I would have responded "nope." 3 IVFs didn't work so why would #4?

so what am I thankful for this year? hmmmmmm. I wonder.

speechless

I have a tearful moment
every
single
day.
man, I am sooo lucky...

she did it! I did it!

she slept through the night! not once but twice! the first time I tucked her in comfy cozy (our little burrito baby) around 10 pm. b was on call and she and I set up camp downstairs due to strong paint fumes (long story) in the bedroom. lulu and I curled up on the couch and slept soundly until... 5:45 am! a record!

the next night was even better. ginny went to bed again at 10 pm and woke up after 6 am! mama is verrrrry happy! a bit more rested and very happy.

what did I do? I wore a pair of pre-preg pants! even though I couldn't button them I was able to get my flabby pp ass into a decent pair of pants. b and I went to a dinner party saturday night and I actually, sort of, looked like my old self. I had my hair cut and colored and I was sporting mascara AND lipstick. man... it felt good.

10 years ago today

we lost my mom, virginia, "ginny" to cancer.

it feels like it was just yesterday.

the sadness is still overwhelming.

especially now.

one year ago today

we lost our little boy chilli.

2nov07

we will forever miss him.

my very special pug.

the birth story - chapter 2

finally!
pitocin sucks!

27 august 08. it was around 6 am when perky nurse came in to wake me up. not a problem considering I was never really sleeping. I showered and moaned about being completely constipated (thanks a bundle zofran.) nothing like going into labor and feeling rather... puffy. b arrived around 7 am and I was then wisked away to my new floor and private birthing room. very exciting! the room was ok -- nothing like the large, model version I saw on my hospital tour. the view was so so. once we got settled, pitocin was added to my IV. "we're on. rock and roll!"

grumpy nurse was far from sympathetic to my bowel issues. her primary job was to keep checking the monitors and, well, be grumpy. she scared me. the thought of her guiding me through the rigors of labor was super upsetting. "she's going to ruin it. she's surly, mean and bossy!"

"oooooh! I feel something. it's not bad. just some pressure." so I started to knit. I propped myself up in the rocker and proceeded to complete 2 full rows of the infamous, never ending baby sweater. I had all afternoon to hang out and knit. suffer through a couple contractions, knit and ultimately have a baby. cool! easy breezy.

"OUCH! the pitocen is REALLY kickin' in." I had to stop knitting mid row and quickly pack up the yarn. it didn't take long to feel full-on contractions. I couldn't find a position to get comfortable in. I couldn't sit, I couldn't walk, I couldn't be in bed. I told b that I was really hurting and that this whole thing kind of sucked. he kindly responded that I knew pain would be part of labor. (nice.) then the tears came. and more pain. and, thankfully, a new labor nurse. the 14 year old. teenage nurse.

teenage nurse was awesome! she rubbed my back and kept calling me "hon." very sweet. she was terribly kind when I was holding onto the side of the bed for dear life crying in agony. "I need meds!" within moments I had a huge syringe in my ass. ahhhhh. relief. it was short lived.

now at this point I am a mess -- gripping the bed rail as hard as I could, crying, eyes permanently closed. even in a drugged haze (I felt stoned) the pitocen induced contractions were relentless. vicious. cruel actually. the shot was crap. bring on the epidural AND fast! in came the anesthesiologist with her resident. I recall saying (not politely) over and over "don't let HIM do it!" the poor guy. I had a fellow do my amnio and there was no way in hell that a resident/fellow would give me the epidural. fuck that. I needed experience here!

then everything became a terrible blur. a torturous, sickening, excruciating blur. there was no relief to be found. there were no breaks in between contractions. AND I hadn't even started to push.

to be continued - chapter 3

spread the word!

feel free to use these logos on your blog, message boards, facebook...

twins version

TTTC version

logo "work in progress"

6 weeks. time management issues

wow.

where do the days go when you have a newborn? is 6 weeks still considered a newborn?

most days I don't get to shower until oprah (that's 4 pm here in ct. and I don't even watch oprah.) if I'm lucky I get to brush my teeth for the first time by 11 am. little ginny (at 10 lbs 14 oz) totally runs the house. I have to admit it's been VERY difficult coordinating her feeding/her lack of sleeping/dog walking/grocery shopping/bill paying/dinner making(?)/breast pumping/manual expression/thank you writing (gifts keep coming)/laundry doing/finding time for me to sleep... all I can say is, how do people manage with twins?! impossible!

I have so many topics for my blog just no time to really sit down and update. I start work again on monday. that SUCKS! it will be "part time" for the moment. we really need to find someone who can come into my home and watch ginny for a few hours a day. there is NO way I can focus on a project now and give any client my full attention. that's not right. so how does one go about finding a child care solution? where do you begin looking? who do you trust?

on another note, we just got back from a week in maine. it was bittersweet. I loved LOVED being home with my sisters but the house just wasn't the same. I thought a lot about m and my mom. both would have been so thrilled with virginia (who, mind you, is named after my mom.) the ocean air was glorious -- awesome for sleeping. I was really hoping ginny would experience the effects of the calming atlantic breezes. no such luck. sleeping is such a challenge for her. I mean her sleeping is such a challenge for me.

so here is virginia sporting her new hat (although I'm not so sure she is diggin' the look.) being the only niece in a family of nephews means lots of shopping -- polka dot dresses, flowered onesies, striped tights, leopard print hats! being in maine with all the outlets (hanna andersson rules!) also means lots of shopping. never has there been so much pink in my home. I love it!

I feel sick to my stomach

I am totally heartbroken for elm city dad. I haven't heard something this tragic in quite some time. please go and support him. as I type this I can see virginia's squirmy arms and chubby legs coming from the bassinet. my god, I feel so lucky.

4 weeks!

little virginia in her cozy hoodie that b gave her for her 4 week birthday. I actually have the same one but in a much larger/chubbier version. believe me, I don't look half as cute.

the birth story - chapter 1

the induction
bring it on! (famous last words)

26 august 08. I went into hospital at 9 am for my BPP monitoring. fluid levels were good. little one's hb was nice and strong. dr c from dr f's office checked for any softening or dilation. if you can believe it, I had progressed(?) backwards. it appears that ron the midwife was being awfully generous in observing my cervical changes during my last few ob visits. liar. big dopey liar.

dr c gave me my first ripening treatment around 11 am. I was all set to get dressed and go home when she told me that I was being sent up to the 10th floor -- maternal medicine... for good.
"did you bring your bag with you?"
"ahhhh... no."
I had really intended on going home. I had my birthing ball there. my stop watch. my 100% fruit popsicles. I was hoping to "ripen" and start early labor in my own comfy surroundings (with premium cable.) what a fantasy that was. dream on sister.

so there I was. pacing and watching the giant clock in a small, sterile hospital room (with a fantastic view, mind you) anxiously anticipating the birth of little one. b had gone home to get my bag as well as take care of lulu. I was alone, nauseated and starting to freak out. throughout the day and into the night I continued to get the ripening injections from assorted ob residents. each one saying the same exact thing, "cervix still long and hard. no dilation." the last injection was given to me by what seemed to be a 15 year old. she had great difficulty positioning the syringe and it actually hurt and burned. not cool. I couldn't eat because of a major sour stomach and nausea. the knife pain in my belly (a form of contraction) made it hard to get comfortable in bed or even stroll 15 yards down the hallway. plus I had to be hooked up to the baby monitors. it was the day before labor started and I was already weak and exhausted. thank god for zofran though. it took care of the nausea but nobody told me it was constipating.

oy.

to be continued.

we made contact!

at ginny's 3 week birthday I was finally able to BF! woo hoo! we had a couple brilliant latch-ons and guess what? they didn't hurt! this is very exciting for "mummy" as I am practically reduced to tears every time I mix up a batch of powder formula. hideous stuff. it stinks. literally.

so it only took 3 appointments (2-3 hours each meeting) with a BF specialist (whose practice sees more women than any other in the us.) dr s is a genius! after seeing the damage done to my nipples she said she hadn't seen a case like mine in years! that figures! she actually wanted to photograph my boobs! but we were able to clear up the infection with antibiotic cream and she tackled my major fear and emotional nursing issues. my mission now is to build up my weak milk supply. this won't be easy but I will do what I have to do. this seems to be the theme with our little virginia. nothing is easy and everything requires a bit more work and effort. but she is SOOOOO worth it!

and happy anniversary b! (2 days late.) the poor kid had a birthday and wedding anniversary and he got the big "goose egg" from his wife. oh well. next year. he actually bought me a comfy cozy hoodie for our "cotton anniversary" - year 2. too bad it's made out of polyester.

untitled

I'm very much out of sorts these days. with formula feeding little ginny roughly every 1 1/2 - 2 1/2 hours (while infected nipples continue to heal) for about an hour which includes being propped upright for 15 - 20 minutes (to avoid vomiting) and then waiting for her to "settle down" I then pump/massage for about 20 minutes THEN do manual expression for every precious drop -- only getting 3/4 of an oz each time (if I'm lucky.) I change the diaper and the whole cycle starts again. sleep is not an option.

I'm devastated about not being able to BF and I'm completely exhausted. b has been on call twice this week so I'm alone most of the time (except for lulu, who needs to be walked 3 times a day.)

if I get some MUCH NEEDED sleep this weekend I'll post all the gory details of the birth and some new and super cute pictures. can you believe ginny is over 2 weeks old now?

how 'bout those feet? and all the "rear gear," as b likes to call my collection of post episiotomy goods. I call that photo "still life with stool softener."

healing time

is it tuesday? wednesday? who am I?

I'm running (literally limping) on no sleep. this includes the nights even before the induction. this constant percocet haze isn't helping -- helping with the confused state. helping with the pain, hell yeah!

the last few days include, ummmm... let's see.
massive swelling (feet AND perineum,) injured and infected nipples, bouts of incontinence and a trip to the ER.

birth story and beyond to come tomorrow. but in the meantime -- too cute!