sigh.

not a whole lot to say... out loud. I had a mini meltdown yesterday. or I should say, a standard sized meltdown with the added bonus of tears. it was my mother's birthday and I truly felt like hell. it STILL feels like yesterday when she passed away. she's really been on my mind a lot lately, my mom, as I venture into this unknown territory called motherhood. b got home "early" from work and took me out for indian food. nothing like tandoori shrimp and nan to clear one's head -- if only temporarily. I confessed that I was having a "difficult time these days." I'm visibly distracted and I cannot focus on anything for the life of me. I cannot sit through a movie, knit more than 1 row, read a magazine (never mind a book), work AND be productive, or even do laundry. everything is done in tiny shifts. take clothes out of dryer. fold them 6 days later. it's not like me.

my friend's baby is still in hospital. I fret about him and his newborn son terribly. can you believe I have enough worry left in me to spread around? to share with others? I'm losing weight. insomnia is back. bollocks! I just took part in a yale study ($80!) addressing stress and pregnancy. oh come on! this study was written for me! -- so I thought. when the final results are released my photo should be included. IF poster child takes on new role as prenatal stress spokesmodel.

well this study was clearly written by fertiles. there was not 1 (ONE!) mention of stress related to pregnancy. all the stresses had to do with finances, suffering some sort of loss, experiencing heroin withdrawal (no joke), blah blah blah. when the interviewer asked me specifically about my stress there was no category for me. pregnant (a one shot deal) after multiple IVFs, high m/c rate, subchorionic bleed, high risk 1st trimester screen. my worries didn't count. weren't valid. I needed to have survived a horrific tornado or gone through foreclosure in order to have suffered stress. fuck that.

the interviewer felt my pain though. she repeatedly shook her head and paused her tape recorder to offer kind and comforting words (off the record of course.) she "got it." she understood my weariness. my fears. afterwards we drank some tea and chatted more about my IF journey. she was genuinely interested. "oh, honey. you've been through a lot."
"I guess. thank you."

such heartache.

a dear old friend (after numerous m/c) had his first son on monday evening. he has downs syndrome. a lovely woman on the saIF (success after IF) message board just announced her baby (pg at 17 weeks) also has downs. both of these people were instrumental in calming(?) my fears after our dreadful first trimester screen. I've cried and my heart breaks for both of these families. godammit! haven't they been through enough already?

the little boy is still in intensive care. I don't know the details but I do know his parents are suffering terribly. their second round of b/w and level II u/s both indicated a healthy baby. everything was in the normal range. no worries. I spoke with my friend's wife for a long time last week about how they too had great difficulty muddling their way though the genetic tests. she called me straight away after hearing our results. "being old sucks!" those were indeed scary and emotional days. she recalls watching her husband (my friend -- so strong and optimistic) sob while mowing the lawn one afternoon.

I have a lot on my mind... yet nothing left to say.

it's official!

I'm in the 2nd trimester! hallelujah! (and I'm not even religious.)

someone sent this video to me. it is very sweet... and a little sad... for obvious reasons.

not a moment's peace

I had a terrible feeling in my gut. today was the dreaded NT scan/genetic counselor meeting. I had my first trimester risk assessment b/w last week so all the key information was available to us today. first of all, nobody told me I needed a full bladder for the u/s. nice. the genetic counselor made a bladder joke at the end of our meeting. "what are you talking about?"

the u/s was very sweet. b took the day off (SHOCKING) and he was able to see little one for the first time (now looking rather human) in action. the tiny hands and fingers took my breath away. we even saw a close-up of the itty bitty foot prints. little one cooperated for the most part -- even with an empty bladder. the NT measurement was 2.0 which is supposedly "in the normal range." I'm still measuring 2 days behind which I realize can make a difference in this measurement. but if someone in a white lab coat says the word "normal," I gotta go with it.

the little room overlooking a very congested interstate 95 is where "normal" didn't apply any longer. the genetics counselor input all my stats and we waited for the computer to give us a possible glimpse into our future. Positive. INCREASED RISK Down Syndrome 1:170.
not good news. the counselor, frowning, explained that they like to see at LEAST 1:200. my heart sank. I was speechless. my age, hCG (92.30IU/mL), PAPP-A (1.38 ng/mL) and NT (2.0mm) all combined gave us the grim results. on the flip side, I also tested negative. DECREASED Risk for Trisomy 18 1:5300.

what does this all mean? amniocentesis at week 15. fuck. and more b/w. I'm tired dammit and not equipped on any level for shitty news. 2007 was entirely about IF. excruciating HSG, bilateral tubal surgery, DOR dx, MF dx, 4 rounds of IVF (the last 2 had the added bonus of 4 hour daily commutes to cornell.) the glorious BFP was short lived because of first trimester uncertainty -- low and slow rising betas, high risk of m/c and subchorionic bleed. I am just days away, DAYS AWAY, from the second trimester -- out of the "danger zone" -- and now this. there were a lot of tears today. again. I just want a moment where I can feel good and positive for a change. I need to feel at peace and begin to enjoy what I have worked so fucking hard for. the same thing that has totally consumed my life for so long now.

if anyone has ANY insight into these numbers I welcome your thoughts.

the two of us - 12w2d

little one (looking straight at us.) how cute!
and of course, chubby one (sporting the stripes.) that's me.

a little update:
as of valentine's day, we have a decreased subchorionic hemorrhage, only 8 more PIO shots to go AND I have seen b for a few hours this week! now we're talkin'!

the drama continues

I had a major spill last night when I took lulu out for her late night pee. it was snowing pretty hard. I was literally 5 feet from our front door and the next thing you know I am flat on my back (but somehow I landed on my left knee along the way.) of course I freaked out. I haven't fallen in probably 10 years or so. now that I'm pregnant, sure enough, it's that time again -- Wipe Out!

I immediately went straight to bed. that's when the lower belly cramping started. I tossed and turned most of the night trying not to worry. b got up at 3 am to finish a presentation for work. I never fell back asleep. I started my day with the same unpleasant crampiness and terrible back pain so I called dr f. nobody was around.

I had a b/w appointment right next to dr f's office. I popped in afterwards and asked if I could briefly speak to a nurse or midwife. well this turned into a full blown drs visit. I had to wait 1 hour 20 minutes before someone could see me. dr "something" wanted to check on little one's heartbeat. and there it was. 170 bpm. thank you! thank you! she used the term "happy baby" too. maybe that's a dr f's office "thing." come to find out I most likely pulled something (round ligament) in my belly. this explains the discomfort.

lessons learned? have b (when home) take our miss lulu out when we have weather. and LL bean boots SUCK in snow and ice. they are going straight into the garbage before they cause some serious damage. oy!

baby steps

it's been an ugly week. days of relentless nausea (throw up already!) and total fatigue. I know I've lost some weight because not one food item is appealing (except gingerale - not a food item). but believe me, I wouldn't want it any other way. my weekly SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) monitoring showed little one moving all over the place - wiggling, punching, karate kicks. "you have a very happy baby in there," dr f tells me. "no I don't. he/she's pissed! where's the food? I'm HUNGRY!"

so... I packed a bag and was prepared to head home for a few days to stew in a more pleasant environment -- think about "things." I told b during the daily "I'm coming home late" conversation that this marriage is not working so well right now and I need to get away for a bit. I cancelled lulu's vet appointment and lied to a client. I was in the clear and ready to split. but the nausea. the constant urge to puke along with the wobbliness that comes with not eating kept me from attempting a 3 hour drive north. I couldn't muster the strength.

b came home, ironically, at 8 pm. I was in bed reading, counting the moments when I could turn out the light and escape this relationship reality. I could tell he was pleasantly(?) surprised and most shocked to see me. I was calm and truthful in explaining my unhappiness... again. no drama. but it was different this time. he heard me. he was attentive and he listened. wow! it only took the threat of me leaving to get a response.

I realize and understand the demands of this fellowship. we were together his entire residency and I've lived through ridiculous schedules for years now. BUT for the few hours that I do see him a week I ask that they be better. more meaningful. I need this especially now -- things are "different" -- and I'm not asking a lot. I'm tired of having a part-time roommate. I refuse to go to our upcoming genetic counselor meeting alone. it's an important meeting! I need some sort of sign that I'm not just some random individual (who grocery shops, cooks, cleans) to split the rent with. I am your wife and we are going to have a baby this summer. I need some inkling that during the next 15 months of this fellowship that I (we) matter!

this time should be one of the happiest of our life together. after a year from hell we achieved the unimaginable. we beat the odds. yes, I acknowledge b's career and commitment to medicine is very important but at the end of the day family is what it's all about. "maybe think of me as one of your patients." ask me how I'm feeling today. ask about how little one is progressing at 11w. show some interest in something (me maybe) other than a ventricular septal rupture following myocardial infarction. I suggested he take a day off (he works 7 days a week) and we spend it together. kooky thought. we could go to lunch, see a movie, look at nursery furniture, I don't know. just 1 day so I don't feel like I'm the only person in this marriage. sickly pregnant lady needs more than a few shitty hours a week with ghost husband.

the phone rang the other night. it was a second year fellow's wife. huh. interesting... all I can say is that she will NEVER be nominated for an academy award in acting. she pretended to be calling just to say "hi." she went on and on about wanting to leave her husband last year when he was working 100 hr weeks. "try 140 hours! on average 120." I responded. silence. thanks for calling.

hey, we'll never be a "normal 9 to 5 family." I realize there will be all sorts of disappointments down the road because of work commitments. I just hope that b can find a healthy work/family balance somehow. he can't take our relationship, my support, for granted. but for the first time ever I think he heard me loud and clear -- that's progress! all I can do now is know he understands and wait and see what happens. that's if he doesn't poison me first (that's another story. I'll post later.)

not good.

I'm thinking of leaving b.

golden ticket

I had a vivid dream last night that I was dating (catch this) ryan seacrest. this is a guy that I have never thought of as anything more than american idol's little host. I don't even consider him very attractive or anything special. sure he's kinda cute and occasionally comical. but that's about it.

but what a great guy to date! he was soooo attentive, affectionate and super kind. he absolutely ADORED me! his feelings were obvious to anyone who saw us together. at one point we were on an elevator and people were pointing and commenting. he had his arm around my waist and he was smiling away acknowledging all the stares. I told him about little one and he was rather excited about the news.

it doesn't take more than psych 101 to figure out what is going on here subconsciously. but why ryan seacrest? why not johnny depp. or tom brady. or chris cornell from soundgarden? now were talkin'! well tonight is another night and the possibilities are endless (and I am going to bed early - alone as usual.)

another week from hell

for b. we're aiming for another 140 hour work week - cool! (sarcasm.) well, maybe closer to 125 to 130 hours - slacker. I've really gotten used to self-inflicted PIO shots. but whenever I'm forced to give them myself (daily) there is guaranteed leakage and blood. when the phone rings at 7:30 pm, I audibly sigh because I know it's b calling to say he'll be, ummm late... again. time to load up the syringe, contort my body, and shoot myself in the ass. man, that's smart!

what's incredibly annoying (and quite frankly insulting) about b's schedule (aside from solo PIO) is that his attendings have somehow made this sucky situation "about me." piss off frank. b was pulled aside recently because he "looked a little down." b opened up and said that his wife (me. newly pregnant. not feeling so well these days) was far from thrilled with the work schedule. it was suggested that I "not rely on others (b) for my happiness." I should engage in some sort of hobby. for example this particular person loves karate and flying small aircraft. both fantastic options for someone in their first trimester! little does this person know but b could not have married a more independent person. I have my fair share of hobbies thank you. take responsibility yale new haven medical center! this has EVERYTHING to do with YOU torturing a poor fellow with ridiculous demands and inhumane hours. let the boy eat something. let the boy pee for crying out loud! give the boy time to take care of himself so he can better take care of others. this has nothing to do with me and my assorted knitting projects and partially read books. b never has or never will be "responsible" for my happiness. that is an absurd notion. what's the crime in wanting to spend a little quality time with someone... someone you're married to? our last dinner out in a restaurant was christmas day. or does a take-out burrito count as fine dining?

it doesn't make me happy living all alone in a shit neighborhood that borders the slums and where most of your neighbors don't know a speck of english. "good mornings" are greeted with blank stares. it's hard to call this place "home." how do you say "home" in chinese? no amount of karate lessons, embroidery classes or paper making can change how I feel. this dump is temporary so maybe on some level I refuse to embrace it because soon we'll have to say goodbye. in 1 year and 3 months, rest assured, little one and I will be packing up a twin engine plane (thanks to my newfound distraction) and getting the hell out of here. fast! and we're taking b with us.

10w. we're having a boxer!

yesterday's appointment was bittersweet. it is AMAZING how much has happened during these last 2 weeks. the tiny gummy bear is all grown up! little one looks like a little person now! at first he/she was "resting" but it didn't take long before we saw some action and the punches started flying. squirmy had some nice kicks as well. watch out! how ironic is it that I was looking very much like de niro in raging bull just last week. I'm SO glad that sinus infection is history.

(fyi - little one is positioned "bottoms up." images are best viewed upside down. seriously.)

with all the excitement there had to be some unpleasant news as well. of course. in both shots you can actually get a glimpse of the "problem." the black shadow along the right of the amniotic sac is the subchorionic bleed. this is what sent me to the ER late that one (horrific) night. dr f would have liked to have seen some improvement since my last u/s 2 weeks ago. "I'd be much happier if you didn't have this." yeah... me too.

I go back next week for more monitoring. at that point I will be loaded with all sorts of questions. be prepared dr f! to be honest, he really caught me off guard with his concern. I wasn't prepared for subchorionic hematoma chit chat. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb in my belly. not fun. I prefer just the tiny beating heart, thank you.

on the flip side, little one is growing nicely and doing well. I'm holding onto that thought (with all my might.) I'm in awe and I cannot stop staring at these pictures. grainy, out of focus, grayscale images only a mother could love.

rollercoaster

today is a bad day. nervous nelly has returned with a vengeance and she is wicked.

I had pretty significant pains/aches 2 nights ago. I spent the early evening flat on my back on new comfy couch and then went to bed early. the pains were below my bellybutton and deep within my stomach (and a little to the left.) I have never had these sensations before. when I woke up the next morning I still felt some discomfort. more achiness than pain. I can only describe the residual feeling as kinda "muscular." god knows I wasn't doing any sit-ups recently. maybe in gym class in 1979.

because people think I am totally losing my mind and acting like a crazy person I ignored the pains. that was until b called from work (he got a spare minute. woohoo!) and told me to call my ob. "are you concerned?" I asked. "yes, but not overly. just call him."

dr f is great. such a nice guy. he didn't have a whole lot to say based on my pathetic symptomatic descriptions. I'm a visual person! I draw pictures for a living, remember? in any case, he said he was glad I was going in to see him thursday. I apologized for bothering him and he said again "these times are especially hard for those who have gone though IVF." he didn't think my call was unwarranted. he was relieved to hear there was no bleeding or the pain was not cyclical or rhythmic. "take it easy for now and I will see you in 2 days."

well the fear has crept back in. hardcore irrational thinking. I feel "different" today. on some strange level the pain yesterday was reassuring - there was activity going on in there. now there is nothing. nothing but a sick and nervous stomach. what exactly was that cramping all about? I was incredibly stressed earlier that day. maybe it was my growing uterus. possibly round ligament pain. maybe it was a leftover cyst. nobody can tell me. nobody but little one knows for sure. give a creative person a few things to mull over and the ideas and scenarios can be remarkable. some very bleak. of course.

b arrived home last night at 9 o'clock with a $75 ticket in hand. we live literally 2 miles from the hospital. he was pulled over for driving without his lights on. bastard cop. give the poor, exhausted guy who spends his entire life helping people a break! a much needed break. go pick on the neighbors down the block that sell drugs and participate in illegal (key word) dog fighting. earlier I got verbally assaulted AGAIN by the ornery tree killing bully. because I have a dog it must be me, and only me, who doesn't scoop the poop. for the record, I DO clean up after lulu (in her pink ruffled collar) and I DON'T appreciate this repeated, high volume abuse. I warn you. don't piss off a hormonally charged, anxiety ridden, highly emotional pregnant lady! who knows what I am capable of.

I feel the universe is not on our side these days and this scares me. little one is the size of a small plum right now. a little something I so dearly want to keep.

positive vibes. positive thoughts please. my u/s is only 26 hours away (and counting.)

9w3d - livin' the single life

again, I'm alone in dealing with "all of this." I went though multiple IVFs "alone." I experienced my one and only bfp alone. I give myself daily PIO shots (not easy even though my ass and childbearing hips are getting larger.) I spent the end of last week and most of the weekend sick in bed and totally miserable. yes... alone. b logged in 140 hours last week at the hospital. one hundred and forty! I didn't see him for 4 days straight. when he comes home he is literally an empty shell, nothing left, for anyone. and so thin! it's very difficult going through the torture and worries of the first trimester when you don't have any support from your husband. it's very difficult experiencing the joy and happiness of a new pregnancy, one WE worked so hard for, when single parenthood seems inevitable.

140 hours is criminal (and COMPLETELY illegal, people!) b gives all he has to the hospital and to his demanding attendings. fuck all of them! this fellowship sucks! I worry for his health and state of mind. I worry about the care he is giving (or not giving.) I worry about our marriage. things are very different now. it's not just me, sitting home alone, it's us. our miracle, little one, needs to come first.

can we please be happy and enjoy this... together?
what a strange request.

I got to thinking

the insomnia has set in yet again. with a growing uterus pressing on my bladder, it's only natural to get up not once, but sometimes twice, a night to use the bathroom. I pee for what seems like 10 minutes and then go back to bed only to lie awake...thinking. sometimes my thoughts are positive. usually not. sometimes my active brain puts me into full-on panic mode. the worry tends to makes my stomach hurt and my heart beat too fast. I cannot wait to be out of this first trimester!

the other night at around 4:30 am, surrounded by a chorus of snoring (french bulldog and b in perfect harmony) I had a brilliant idea. I think mattel is missing out on a huge opportunity. IVF Barbie.

IVF Barbie would be a great tool in educating the public (and she'd be so much fun to play with too! just think of all the scenarios!) IF wouldn't be so hush hush anymore. she would bring long overdue awareness of the suffering too many of us live with. I think I have the details figured out.

IVF Barbie would not be decked out in typical plastic doll high fashion. no mink stole or tiny skirt. she would actually be sporting her partner ken's navy sweatpants (complete with the patriots logo) and a simple black gap turtleneck - think multiple branding opportunities! the IVF bloat makes regular skinny girl clothes hard to fit into. her hair would be pulled back into a ponytail in order to hide the disheveled style and dark roots. appointments at the hairdresser are not in the budget at the moment and there is really no time for such indulgences. there would be no makeup except for some cover-up under her eyes to disguise the obvious dark circles (and possibly some tinted burt's bees lip balm for a hint of glamour.) IVF Barbie would also be tooling around town in red converse sneakers. no stilettos during stims! instead of a gem embellished clutch, she would carry your classic canvas LL Bean boat and tote. it would be full of all kinds of goodies! spare 22G syringes, "the couple's guide to IVF," alcohol prep pads, an ipod with pre-retrieval meditations, consent forms, wheatgrass tablets, $7 cash. what really makes IVF Barbie unique and stand out from, let's say, Red Carpet Glam Hilary Duff Barbie and Stolen Magic Barbie is that she is anatomically correct - for all those pesky ultrasounds... maybe not.

just think of all the adventures IVF Barbie could have. hours of fun and entertainment! and don't forget, she's educational too!

I love robert de niro

I just don't like looking like him in raging bull (minus the gloves.)

I have a full-blown sinus infection. my nose is red and swollen - giant, unrecognizable! the space between my eyes is all puffy. I cannot even touch my nose (it's incredibly sore) or think about blowing it. forgetaboutit! who is that bizarre person in my mirror brushing her teeth and wearing my pajamas?

8w1d

little one's first visit to the ob went well yesterday. my, how much we've grown! we all liked dr f quite a bit, however, I was a little disappointed in the "low tech" feel of the office. I am keeping my appointment at big high risk clinic scheduled a week from monday. I have a feeling we'll stick with dr f. there is something so nice, and yet so unfamiliar, about personal attention. I could get used to that.

little one (or upsidedown gummy bear) is measuring right on target. 8w! I accused dr f of eavesdropping in on our conversation about how far along I was. he assured me he was not listening outside the exam room door. the measurements were accurate and true. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. how cool is THAT! I recall a heartbeat of 171 bpm. b recalls 178 bpm. in order to keep straight, I think we need a third party (maybe a stenographer) to accompany us to all future appointments.

unfortunately, also visible on the u/s was some more blood. dr f warned me that I may have yet another bleeding episode in my future. this scares the crap out of me. it is still unclear as to why I was bleeding in the first place. yikes. another mystery in the world of obstetrics I guess. he also upped my PIO to 1 cc again. I was looking forward to fewer injections but I like the idea of the extra hormonal support. but man, my ass hurts!

today will be a VERY quiet day. if I have the energy later on I may head out to la perla for some new underwear. I am clearly busting out of my 34 a/b bras. (I'm joking - about la perla - not the busting out. we're talking more target style or better yet, kohl's.) I woke up with a terrible sore throat and I cannot stop sneezing. "thanks b!" he hasn't been well these last few days and now I'm afraid it's a family affair. it's cold out and I feel crappy. but at least I have this beautiful picture to make me smile.

new state of mind, new layout

how come I see so many simple and beautifully designed blogs out there? I am a graphic designer for crying out loud and THIS is the best I can do? blogger doesn't offer many creative options yet I see all sorts of custom blogs using this site. how do you all do it? please educate me! I am ashamed of my lack of control with type and imagery. the insensitive letter spacing. the unruly leading. it pains me!

I figured with the new year I'd try an extreme makeover. my old layout was for tryingin2007 and there was a lot of sadness that year. the surgery, the failed cycles, moving farther away from my friends (and deeper into isolation,) numerous car dramas, chilli's illness and death. but don't get me wrong, we did end on a brilliant and amazing note -- 20dec was cutting it pretty close.

I wake up every morning now so incredibly grateful that we made it through another day, another night. so thankful that little one has chosen to hang on. 7w5d - one day closer to our due date. another 24 hours has passed incident-free (((touch wood.))) after that horrific bleeding episode and ER visit I live in constant fear. every trip to use the bathroom is a nerve wracking experience. every unrecognizable cramp gives me heart palpitations. it's a terrible way to live but yet, at the same time, I feel truly blessed and thrilled beyond words. how's this possible? I'm no longer tryingin2007 but tryingtobepositive08. BUT... I am still holding on tightly to my leftover vials of menopur and stash of follistim in the fridge. I am far from being "out of the woods" and this is a very dense forest with a gazillion trees, vines, dangerous predators, quick sand...

hopefully by the end of this week I will have in my possession (thank you amazon.com) my 2 new pregnancy meditation cds. I found the IF and IVF versions really helpful while cycling and post ET. they were key in my learning how to relax and cope with unreasonable thoughts (if only temporarily.) if anyone's head is spinning out of control with negativity and paranoia, ohhhh... it's mine! my new ipod is all charged up and ready to go. now where IS this UPS guy? I've got A LOT of work to do. tryingtobepositive08 is difficult stuff!

another "quiet" weekend

quiet because I was stuck in bed. doctor's orders after a 1 am ER visit thursday night.

thursday am I did the usual trek into nyc to see dr d for another f/u appointment and u/s. everything looked good. we had a strong heartbeat of 160 bpm. a huge sigh of relief. dr d even suggested we start weening me off of the PIO. now THAT'S progress! no b/w either. things were "right on track."

until... 4:30 pm. my train home was delayed because of a suicide on the tracks. horrible. when I got home I started to feel crampy. I had been queasy and light-headed on and off all day but I figured this was the start of classic m/s. well the cramps continued for hours and came in waves of intensity. I imagined them being similar to teeny tiny contractions. they felt very unfamiliar. then later in the evening the blood started. it was "minor" spotting at first and I was not prepared for what was to come around midnight. "whooosh!" lots of (WARNING! turn away) very thick and mucousy bright red blood mixed with brown blood in a huge gush.

I was horrified! this was not good and I anticipated the worst. off to the ER.

and the waiting began. after finally getting into a room we met with the 17 year old ER resident. he had no idea what I meant when I said this was an IVF pregnancy. yikes. he proceeded to do an external u/s which didn't reveal a thing. it just freaked me out even MORE (if possible) because he could not find a heartbeat. I was literally shaking uncontrollably during the entire exam while holding back the hysterics.

more waiting. they wanted to do an internal exam. "not necessary! just get me an internal u/s for god's sake!"

around 5 am I was wheeled into radiology for my u/s. I studied b's and the poker faced tech's expressions looking for some sort of positive signal. a smile maybe. and there it was. finally. the tiny beating heart. the little one was still holding on.

and more waiting. this time for the radiologist's report. at this point the bleeding had stopped and the cramps were long gone. I felt relief for a moment. a short lived moment. as I was getting dressed the ER nurse came back with the b/w results. my beta hcg was 1480! are you kidding? it was 1580 over a week and a half ago. this was bad, bad news. the ER attending couldn't explain this. "I suggest you speak with your dr."

we got home around 6:30. I tried to rest until the dr's offices opened. yeah right. every person I spoke with was indeed concerned and very bothered/perplexed by the low beta. it seemed impossible. this was bad though. the inevitable (I cannot say it) I figured would happen soon. I was heartbroken.

dr d said it was good though that we had a heartbeat. now I had to wait 4 MORE days for another u/s and b/w. (((big sigh)))

then they arrived! my amazing sisters! like angels they descended upon me bearing food, comfort and joy. b was nowhere to be found. the hospital had sucked him in deep. my sisters saved me! literally. they got me more PIO, they returned my rental car, they bought me organic milk, they walked miss lulu, they bought me swedish fish! they CLEANED my entire house! more importantly, they came with lots of love and support. I owe them both big time for their generosity. they are the best! mom would be so very proud.

when b finally emerged from on-call/OR hell he had my official ER report in hand. and there it was in all its glory. the correct beta hcg. the dopey (and ironically pregnant) nurse had reported the number wrong. it was 14800 not 1480. what a huge mistake this was. but in the end the sense of relief was so much bigger. we're "ok" for now.
... but still holding my breath.

a "quiet" weekend

I had my first m/s experience. woo hoo! b was eating leftover sweet and sour soup (10 am) and I started to gag. I took lulu out to get some fresh new haven air and I almost fainted. I cannot stop eating red swedish fish - they're all I crave! (but they don't have any calcium or protein or folic acid or vitamin c... sucky.) I napped. b fixed his flat tire. we took down the christmas crap. we went to a party where I was told (at 6w1d) "don't tell too many people, don't buy nursery furniture and don't choose names until at LEAST 8 weeks." the hostess is an ob. I freaked out! I've already ruined the fun of a BFP on my own, thank you. I napped more. I knit nothing. we fixed MY flat tire. went grocery shopping. had tears of joy! got locked out of the apartment. b had to bust through the ac unit in the side of the house (after waiting for a neighbor who owned tools.) went out for breakfast and ate too much (food tasted like nothing. b said it was good.) had more tears - fear induced this time. wrote thank you notes. read 4 pages of my book. stepped in dog poop (not lulu's.) obsessed over how slow these days are until "at LEAST 8 weeks." marveled over the fact that someone hit the smurf mobile (aka rental car) smashed the light and destroyed the bumper while parked in my designated, and supposedly safe, spot at the condo. thanks for the hit and run asshole!

like I said, it was a "quiet" weekend.

5w6d

brace yourselves!

we have a heartbeat!

"new RE dr d" warned me before the u/s that it is still very early and I should not be disappointed if we don't see one yet. well, I am FAR from disappointed. I'm shocked! I'm thrilled to tears (literally.) there it was. the tiny flutter on the screen. my hero assured me that everything is measuring as expected. the amniotic sac is positioned perfectly. this abstract concept -- pregnancy -- is now becoming a reality. my reality.

at 10:50 am this morning I fell in love.

our little one.

beta updates and Happy New Year!

saturday (done behind "new Re dr d's" back - so sneaky) 833
monday (today) 1529

we're doubling people! (or close to it.) we are far from being "out of the woods" but I'm feeling a little more joy and and little less terrified. VERY little less.

I spoke with a nurse about the low numbers. "are you at all concerned?" I asked. voice and hands shaking. a giant piece of toblerone in my mouth.

"no. not at all. no more b/w for you. we'll see you on thursday for an u/s."

"new RE dr d " will be back from holiday by then. FINALLY I can speak with my doctor instead of getting all my information from google MD and nurse yahoo.

no fun

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I've been in beta hell. I am still there actually and it sucks bad.

thanks everyone for the kind words, congrats and well wishes posted here and privately through email. you guys are the best!

beta hell journey started over the holidays. I waited 6 loooong days for beta #2 and it was torture. it was ridiculously hard to enjoy christmas knowing my 1st beta was low and I had to wait (forever) for the next blood draw. well, it came back yesterday (20dpo) at a sluggish 424. the IVF nurse is concerned but not overly concerned. what does that mean exactly? she wishes it was in the 500 range. she said to come into the city for b/w on saturday -- no more OOT labs. crap! 2 more days of waiting. an hour later she called back "come in on monday. I forgot. we are closed this weekend." are you kidding me?! 4 MORE days of living in this terrible limbo. it's just not right!

I have spent every waking moment scouring every possible beta hcg website I could google. I've read every post on every beta message board... twice. I did every doubling calculator I stumbled upon. they've been pretty consistent. they've been consistently discouraging.

doubling time = 2.27 days (or 54 hours)
daily rate increase 36%
2 day rate increase 84 %
total increase 524%

I don't know what to make of these numbers really. I just know at 20dpo the number should be much higher.

what's really painful is that I was only able to enjoy a much anticipated BFP for about 5 minutes. I'm trying, with all my might, to stay on a positive track -- consciously optimistic, and it's INCREDIBLY HARD dammit it!

I beg you! please, PLEASE stay little one! I promise to make it worth your while!

11dp3dt

drum roll please...




beta number 1...




68!




cornell called and said "congratulations! you're pregnant!" it's official!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!! (can I say that out loud now?)

talk about a christmas miracle!

10dp3dt

2 LINES! 2 LINES! never in my life have I seen 2 such glorious lines!!!!! FRER, I love you! dr davis and cornell, I love you more!

beta tomorrow.

6dp3dt

I can't stand this torture of waiting, especially now. it's christmas! I have a ton to do, a big job going on AND I am consciously trying to take it easy. but maybe all this laying low is a waste of energy (or lack of.) do I sit tight and hope for the best or say fuck it and plow forward and live my life as usual -- as a "normal" person. I don't feel very optimistic about this cycle anyway. how could I with what we experienced on transfer day? that's 2 freak car accidents in 1 month. don't forget the death of my little chilli. AND the financial stresses of all of this are really hitting hard. b has been in a state -- a total funk -- and it's making me weary. I need his support, not his depressed mood swings. yes, this IVF has been particularly rough since day one. cd 1. but this cycle, in actuality, has been going on for a year now and I'm TIRED. tired of it all! the struggles and disappointments. this constant holding of my breath... and waiting.

dr suess

for the last 3 days I have witnessed and suffered through a terrible crime. the rundown and neglected apartment complex next door made the selfish decision to chop down all these beautiful, majestic and perfectly healthy trees. a total massacre.

the fatso super was in his glory. this is a man that for hours on end would use one of those obnoxious leaf blowers. the noise was so loud I couldn't speak with my clients in my office. he would blow the leaves CONSTANTLY but never pick them up. that's brilliant.

his solution was to simply destroy and chop up the problem. his lazy ass can now get fatter because the land is barren. one tree in particular was full of active bird feeders. it was also shelter for a very sweet feral cat that called the tree "home."

in this day and age with the destruction of our environment this egocentric act was completely irresponsible. yes, the trees lived on his property and he can do what he pleases. but these healthy trees helped everyone's air quality, not just his own. his raking and aimlessly blowing days are over now. the leaves that are so spectacular each fall here in new england are history. the same leaves that helped the air his own children (I guess this means he's fertile) happen to breath. here's another shining example of this "me, me, me" mentality that is so prevalent now. this type of thinking makes me insane!

I find that people seem to react only when something effects them personally. the big picture is not their concern. I continue to find large amounts of cardboard, plastic bottles, glass and cans in the dumpster. when we finally reach a crisis situation then maybe my neighbors will consider recycling. until then, the issues destroying our earth -- their children's future -- are "not their problem."

"I am the lorax. I speak for the trees.
I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."

bedrest

short and sweet. it's very difficult typing with one hand and flat on my back. we (actually dr s - I love him) transfered 3 embryos yesterday.

"they're a good group! they look real nice!"

this happened post 5 car accident in front of the hospital. yes, my car was one of the innocent victims, AGAIN! slammed front and back by 2 giant suvs. fucking idiotic driver. what's wrong with you?

"you better have fucking good insurance." and I walked into the hospital for my IVF transfer, trying desperately to be calm and hoping we had a way to get home.

ER

it was a very, VERY long day. there were 15 of us on the ER schedule. 15 of us plus husbands/partners and a few scattered parental bodies -- and about 20 chairs. I went in with 4 strong follicles with 2-3 that had potential. dr c assured me the 2-3 would be part of the ER. well, dr g just went for the 4 and "called it a day." 4 follicles = 4 eggs.

the whole experience was considerably rougher this time. coming out of anesthesia was much slower and the cramping and bloating was pretty intense. for whatever reason I didn't have those issues last retrieval. b and I had some comforting hot soup before heading back to new haven. before the nightmare began. what took us 1 hour and 15 minutes at 5 am took us 5 1/2 almost 6 hours mid afternoon (in holiday/rush hour traffic with about 17 snowflakes.) 5-10 miles an hour on the merritt parkway the ENTIRE trip. no tylenol. I felt like crap. I wanted to beat the hell out of b just because I was so frustrated, uncomfortable and annoyed. poor b, don't take it personally. I longed to be resting flat on my back in bed.

all 4 eggs were mature. all fertilized with ICSI. 24 hours later we have 3 embryos hopefully dividing and thriving in my own fluids (thank you coculture!) ET is 2:45 monday. I have acupuncture scheduled for pre and post transfer. these little ones need all the help they can get.

cd 14 - trigger time

"ooooh. your lining is beautiful! perfect." dr c said today.

"that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all week."

we've got 2 nice follicles on the right and 2 really nice (and 3 kinda nice) on the left. there is still time for a little growth to happen. I've never had such enthusiasm over my ovaries. my tired, old, and uncooperative ovaries. HCG tonight at 1:35 am.

ER is scheduled for friday. fingers crossed!

cd 12

2 (possibly 3) follicles on my left. 2 on my right. this sucks BAD because I had 5 (possibly 6) just yesterday. sorry for the lack of posts and/or comments. I am just not feeling well at all this cycle. b woke up at 4 am with me yesterday and got to experience the joy and excitement of my sunrise monitoring journey. he looked exhausted by mid afternoon (we got home at 1 pm) even though my appointment lasted only 1 hour -- he had it easy. we were in bed (don't laugh) by 8:30. how pathetic are we?! "new RE dr d" did my monitoring this morning. I practically squealed with joy when I saw him in the hallway. I haven't seen him this entire cycle but I know he's there, behind the curtain, making all the important decisions and calling the shots. oh yes, I blame him for my very bruised, bloated, and raw belly. I was told there was "a method to his madness." we can only hope.

"it's a go." were the last words he said to me as he left the examination room, all festive in his christmas tie. he smiled, and was gone.

ER is scheduled for thursday, maybe friday. come on little follies! there's time to catch up!

cd 9

3 follicles on my left side. that's it. I'm so upset right now I can't stand it.

cd 7

oh, the pain. the pain of traveling to nyc for sunrise monitoring. between the sleepless nights (full of intense night sweats and wet pajamas) the hardcore (borderline overdose) meds, the 4 am alarm, and 4 hours on a rickety old (and very packed) train, I'm TIRED! I was in the city 2 days ago for a 5 minute b/w appointment. ugh. I was there again today for b/w and an u/s. the RE said there is a good chance I'll have to trek into the city every other day from now on. AND this is a LONG-ass protocol! then we move onto daily sunrise monitoring. when am I going to find time to get my work done? work necessary to pay for this IVF decadence? co-culture, ICSI, and AH - all 100% out of pocket. $5250 more!

a fellow poor responder cornell IVFer just went through ER and got 11 eggs! fantastic! 10 were mature and fertilized with ICSI. I'm so happy for her. I am doing the same exact protocol. I can only dream of numbers like that.

let's go "new RE dr d"! do your stuff! perform your magic! grow follies, grow!

"the" call came in

4:08 pm.

"ladies! (in my case, lady) start your stims!"

oh my. this is it. I begin with the micro-dose lupron tonight and then tomorrow EXTREME Injection 2007 officially starts. 5 shots a day. five. FIVE! ef, eye, vee, ee. I am on a long stim protocol which could carry on for 12 days. if you do the math, that's 60 shots in under 2 weeks. (and this doesn't even include HSG.) it's a good thing I'm sporting a giant belly from all the mashed potatoes, stuffing, tofurky and pecan pie I devoured yesterday.

today's clinic celebrity sighting was kate spade. earlier in the week it was mariska hargitay. it's the IVF version of entertainment tonight.

I draw pictures for a living

a little history.

a few years ago a fellow graphic designer lectured me on my lack of self promotion. I had a little down time and agreed to submit a few logos into design competitions. low and behold, some of my work was chosen and acknowledged in respected annuals. cool.

of course the work I labor over and am most proud of never gets chosen. one logo in particular is now in 2 annuals (one being graphis - the gold standard in the design industry.) I consider the piece "ok" and borderline mediocre. whatever. it's subjective.

this summer I got an email from graphis congratulating me for being considered for the Logo Design 7 publication. supposedly the book showcases the best global logos of the past 5 years. holy crap! I was being considered! that was VERY cool!

I mentioned this story to my sisters one night while drinking some wine. (this is what we do. drink wine. we do it well.) I had my laptop with me and showed them this logo that was (for whatever reason) sweeping though the design world. J looked at the screen for a moment. she looked harder and then appeared perplexed. I saw her studying it. that's when it hit me. the typo.

as a designer, you sometimes get too close to your work. letter forms turn into positive and negative shapes that have to be dealt with visually. their "meaning" becomes meaningless. I spelled a word completely wrong in the logo and NOBODY noticed until now. it's been published twice. it's on t-shirts. there's a website. there are business cards floating around. shit!

after pointing out this ridiculous mistake I cried and laughed simultaneously. literally. soooo many people had looked at this so how is it possible nobody caught it?! of course I am responsible but I was floored that it got this far. and why did it take an intoxicated individual to notice the extra letter? interesting.

yesterday I had to return the crappy rental car. because of thanksgiving my car won't be ready until mid to late next week. to help me out, the subaru place was kind enough to give me a loaner for the time being. they are good people over there.

the car is a 2008 impreza with 2700 miles on it. it is actually quite cute except that it's... GOLD! who the hell makes gold cars these days?

the point of my post? the day I got the gold car my typographically incorrect logo won a gold medal. a moment that should have been glorious and joyful was full-on panic and full of dread. I felt like I was caught in a lie. a lie that was snowballing as we speak. who would have thought my design would (or could) get to this level - graphis Logo Design 7.

today was the day to fess up. to come clean. to admit globally that I am a shitty speller (and an even more terrible proofreader.) I called graphis and explained my problem begging them to let me resubmit a "revised," I mean, correct version. I was shaking and sweating out of total embarrassment. the book is in its second round of proofing and they will "see what they can do."

it's a funny thing. I just now got an email reply saying I sent the same exact logo. ummm, no I didn't. this time, you're wrong.

sad news

over here in the constitution state. my friend EP (a fellow IVF veteran and very talented knitter) got really terrible news en route to her ET. please go over and give her some much needed support.

thanks.

the good. the bad. the hideously ugly.

the good.
ahhhhhh. nyc. it felt good to be back. home again. everything was familiar, comforting, and just as I left it (with the exception of a new and underdesigned high rise on every other street corner.) even staying in the heart of times square (not my choice) was totally fine. I was thrilled to be stopped on 57th street by a flustered tourist "excuse me. where is the bloomingdales?" after leaving gramercy and moving deep into the heart of suburbia, I was still a "new yorker."

that night b and I had a fantastic date. we started out at the tiny jazz bar where we had our very first date. sadly it was no longer "our spot." what had once been dark and dingy and full of character was now all shiny and tidy. there was no jazz trio and the cocktails cost a fortune. we reminisced about our first encounter. it's funny. neither of us recall talking about my egg quality or the threat of sperm fragmentation. my, my. how our relationship has evolved.

the bad.
the next morning I experienced the marathon blood draw. after approving the spelling of my long, complicated, hyphenated name and DOB on the small paper label, the nurse proceeded to print out at least a dozen more. she then lined up all the empty vials before draining my body entirely of blood. it was freaky to watch. the whole thing made me woozy.

that evening we met up with a bunch of friends at a favorite "old school" bar. it was great to see so many familiar faces and I felt so happy. I chatted with everyone more this one night than I did my entire wedding weekend. these were good friends. friends with a long history. it was good to be back home. (and it didn't really matter that b's friend was a spitting image of my ex - an old boyfriend that used to be a part of this group.)

the hideously ugly.
7 am. the phone rings. "there has been accident in parking garage. a pipe (turns out to be CONCRETE) fell on car." fuck. I needed to give the attendant permission to replace some glass. I was assured the job would be finished later that day. yeah, right. I got dressed and raced off to my dreaded co-culture appointment. I took the handful of advil prescribed for pain and 2 benadryl to calm my nerves. I had no luck in tracking down any valium and I needed a little extra something. the pills didn't make me relaxed, they made me stupid!

on the examination table I struggled with my crossword.
2 down.
a four letter word.
"letterman's rival." duh! I couldn't figure it out. my brain had disintegrated.

the co-culture sucked. and hurt! the tools they used caused major cramping and the scraping of my uterus was no picnic. "I'm going to try to be as gentle as possible." yikes! the pain literally took my breath away. yes, it didn't last very long but I actually felt it in my chest. I winced and felt sick to my stomach for those few moments. when you are in pain you really have no sense of time.

the parking garage vs. subaru drama only escalated as the day went on (and will no doubt continue for some time.) it involved numerous attendant lies, bouts of screaming, 2 separate visits from the NYPD, and ultimately, a missing car with no rear window and a collection of new scrapes and dents. then you add annoyed insurance agents, estimates, deductibles, a "subaru-qualified" repair shop, and a rental car, and you get a guaranteed emotional breakdown. 12 hours of total hell. I was looking for all the hidden cameras. alan funt or possibly ashton kutcher. it must be. it had to be! "smile, you're on candid camera." this was all too fucking unbelievable.

incredibly unbelievable until I realized that my idiotic IVF nurse neglected to call in half of my meds. the medication required to start my cycle today! how could this happen?! after frantic phone calls to the pharmacy and to my RE (and a few tears and $270 on my amex) we got things "sorted out."

tonight. sunday, 18 november 07, 7 pm, we start this IVF thing all over again. oh boy.

bags are packed

hotel is reserved. our miss lulu has lovely accommodations arranged. she's staying with good friends in "the country" that adore her. it will be healthy for the little frenchie to be in a different environment for a bit. she really seems to feeling chilli's loss. she's forever looking for him.

we are off to nyc! my old hood! tomorrow is the extreme blood draw. yikes. then thursday, 10:45 am, I'll have the dreaded (yet highly desired) co-culture procedure. then in a few days (hopefully, fingers crossed) I'll start the patches - the official start of IVF number four. who would have thought? god help me.

the results








are








in.























we got ourselves a surge!
now bring on the co-culture, baby!

$29 and $27 opks later

acute emotional upset = ugly red traveling torso blotches. crap.
extreme stress and sadness = delayed ovulation. shit!
I'm fallin' apart here.

I've been testing for a week now for my vanishing LH surge. a detected surge is crucial for my rapidly approaching co-culture appointment. no surge means no co-culture means another delayed IVF means a very grumpy person. there are many things in my life that I cannot rely on and ovulation is not one of them. my cycle is textbook. well it used to be. next test: 4 pm EST. I haven't peed in hours. time to place your bets people.

"...stress can affect the functioning of the hypothalamus — the gland in the brain that regulates your appetite and emotions, as well as the hormones that tell your ovaries to release eggs. If you're stressed out, you may ovulate later in your cycle or
...not at all.

It's important to differentiate between constant and sudden stress. The body often acclimates to constant, everyday stresses, so you'll probably ovulate fairly consistently each cycle. It's sudden stress — a death in the family, an accident, divorce — that can throw your cycle off and interfere with ovulation."

even better.

"All stress is not created equal. Abnormal levels of stress hormones in the system can affect sperm production and prevent or delay ovulation. Harm is done when no time is allowed for recovery after a bout with stress or when one or more stresses happen simultaneously."

fuck.

good buddies

I was beginning to think that people really do suck. that the world is very cruel. the day before chilli passed away we were at the local dog park. I knew our little guy wasn't feeling well and I figured a trip to the park would "lift his spirits." he used to be very social and really enjoyed chasing all the large labs and shepherd mixes. squeeling out of frustration, skinny little pug legs trying to keep up. these last few months he had slowed down considerably and was perfectly content to sit by my feet and simply watch. it was nice to be outside and the weather was fantastic.

our last trip was cut short when he fainted in the grass. I quickly ran over and picked him up - a 26 pound wet noodle. nobody, not one fucking person in the park, offered me any assistance as I carried away an unconscious dog (while trying to gather my belongings and leash our other dog.) all the bastards sat on the benches and chatted away. I was obviously struggling and had started to cry. why wouldn't anyone offer to help?

once I got to the sidewalk chilli was aware and wagging his tail. an older woman on the street ran over to me and suggested she take us to the vet. "what can I do? where can I drive you?" I thanked her repeatedly for her kindness and assured her chilli would be "ok." I mentioned he was going through chemotherapy and what we witnessed was probably some sort of side effect. once I got "the kids" unleashed and into the car I noticed something amazing about the woman. she was crying too.

it's difficult to sit here now at my desk with an empty dog bed at my feet. there's no snoring or the sound of pug toenails on the hardwoods. an ever present warmth is missing. I have to say the incredible amount of genuine support - lovely messages, cards and flowers - I have received has overwhelmed and amazed me. and these virtual communities that I've stumbled upon (blogs and IF message boards) man, what great women (and man.) I intend to save each and every email, pm, and comment to print out and look back on when I am feeling crappy. sadly, so many of you know exactly how I feel.

I was struck by this particular email.

"I wish there was something I could say or do to make this time better for you. my 4-year-old niece just lost her dog as well. she was very upset - asked her mom why dogs don't live longer like people. and then about an hour later she answered her own question: "people live longer than dogs because it takes them longer to learn how to be nice and be a good buddy. dogs don't have to live as long because they are born nice and already know how to be a good buddy"."

I take it back. yes! the world is full of good people. thank you.

we'll miss you.

"mom gets to meet her angel."

after being diagnosed with 2 separate cancers in august, our little boy chilli, my shadow, passed away last night at home. b and I were by his side when he took his last breath. his crooked, little tail wagging.

cancer has robbed me, yet again. I slipped into a deep and great depression when my mom passed away from a brain tumor. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and function properly. then I got the call. there was an emaciated, homeless pug that needed a family. I adopted him. what was I thinking?! now I had to take care of this little guy. this happy soul just so full of love and personality. I rescued him but really, he rescued me.

he changed my life. he got me back on my feet. he saved me. we literally went everywhere, the two of us. we went to work each day in a cab to my office in soho. we traveled on planes. we went shopping on fifth avenue. we met with clients. favorite memories include tom and jerry's, a downtown pub where he would sit on his own stool at the bar. he loved guinness! the irish pug! we even went through formal training to become a certified therapy dog. unfortunately he never passed the final exam because "my shadow" failed the separation part of the test.

a broken heart hurts very much. the severity of his disease completely caught me off guard. he didn't look sick or act sick. just 2 days ago I ordered him a name tag with our new address on it. I feel like something huge is missing. chilli was very, very special. he was a major and positive presence that added so much to my life, to my family's life, and I am truly thankful for that. he always provided a lot of comfort and laughs during my down days struggling with the failed IVFs. he was forever snuggled by my side, happy happy.

they say my mom sent him to me. this angel. yes, she did indeed.

it's november. time to start IVF

the sofa is coming! the sofa is coming!

tomorrow sometime between noon and 4 pm. I'm freaking out. what if I don't like it? there's a good chance it will look entirely different in my little home. a giant piece of furniture only looks bigger in a small space and I fear the "living room" will be all sofa. I'm a huge fan of buying and returning. hand towels (wrong color) and sweaters (what was I thinking?) are much easier to return though.

we survived halloween. we had a handful of enthusiastic trick or treaters - a princess, a witch, a cop, and a bunch of questionable costumes (oversized clothing and face paint.) b and I handed out gummy body parts - appropriate treats from a surgeon. the little girl in the tiara looked frightened and bothered when she reached into the candy bowl and took out a finger and a foot.

unfortunately, I had the perfect dramatic costume. one that could scare the living daylights out of anyone. the rash... is back. all I needed was a bikini top to terrify the entire neighborhood. a pale and flabby back covered in multiplying and traveling red splotches. that's scary stuff. run for your life people!

blogfree week

whew. it's been a nutty week with a lot going on and super needy clients. 7 days when I didn't get a chance to post or read up on all my peeps. I have a lot of catching up to do.

reproductively, things have been slow. just tons of waiting. and waiting. what else is new? I do however have my co-culture appointment(s) scheduled. 14 and 15 november. the first day I give a TON of blood and the next morning I'll have the procedure. oh joy. it happens to coincide with b's 2 day conference in the city. we plan on spending one night at a hotel. woo hoo! like a little vacation! a little vacation where they take out a chunk of your uterus.

ummmm.

I started knitting again. that's big news. I'm working on giant needles with dense, chunky yarn. I need instant gratification.

I saved a dog! we rescued a stray off of a very busy street. he was literally running straight towards I 95 from downtown new haven. straight into the worst traffic one can imagine. after luring the poor puppy with a baguette -- bait, fresh sourdough bait, we got him safely into the car and to the local animal shelter. he had one blue eye and one brown eye. we called him bowie. he was beautiful! (and awfully stinky.) of course I wanted to keep him. we all know that's completely out of the question.

and...

an old client of mine was arrested and thrown in jail. busted for printing fifties in the basement of his business. the cops found high end scanners and printers along with brand spankin' new bills. he claims he is innocent. yeah, ok. now did he pay me in cash? hmmmmm. I believe so.

our roof sprung a leak. twice.

oh! and

we made a major purchase for the apartment. something that has been needed for quite some time now (years actually) but we just couldn't commit. it's a huge financial and design investment. sure, we wanted knoll but spending $7,431 (free shipping) was not an option. I am a design snob with specifics in mind and a limited budget. we finally found a decent alternative I could live with (sort of) and bought it. I immediately called sister L and said, "I've just made your sister J very happy."
"really? what did you do?'
"come on. can't you guess?"
"YOU DECIDED TO ADOPT!"
"no. we just bought a new sofa."

dinner party meltdown

blech.

it was a very important gathering. I was meeting for the first time, b's chairman, his attendings and the fellow fellows (and all their wives.) our host (the chairman) will be operating on my nephew this winter. it was crucial that I "appear" charming and be extra polite. it was necessary to come across as happy, a pleasure to be around, and loving our new city. I had to make a good impression.

I felt "a little off" even before the party. none of my clothes fit! all my pants felt and looked like leggings. skin tight! all I needed was a polyester muumuu. I looked like shit (even though I was wearing the special eyeshadow.)

of course we got completely lost and arrived late. it was dark (I have no sense of direction once the sun sets.) when we finally got there everyone was joyously snacking on shrimp, laughing and drinking a festive pink cocktail. tequila I think.

the other fellows actually brought their young kids. they were beautiful. we all know the fellows make no money, but come on! collect your pennies people and hire a babysitter! please! for the sake of the infertiles!

"are your kids at home?" asks the perky wife with the super plunging neckline.
"no. we don't have any children."
"how do you like new haven?"
"ummm. it's ok. yeah, it's fine. but where we are located it is a little difficult to meet people. I really don't know anyone. yet."
"it's a shame you don't have kids. I have met so many great and interesting women through my daughter's play groups."

"POW!"

that's when it hit me. twice. 1- I don't, and may never have kids. 2- I'm missing what is necessary for me to meet great and interesting people (in this crappy town that everyone said I would love.) although I have met one great and interesting person on my own. square peg -- a fellow infertile. I like her very much but... she's MOVING away!

the uncontrollable tears came out of the blue and FAST. I excused myself and quickly got to the bathroom. I'm soooo hoping nobody noticed the official start of a genuine meltdown.

the evening was lovely. for everyone else. the food was outstanding and all the guests were incredibly nice. after dinner "the wives" and I sat in the kitchen and drank new zealand sauvignon blanc and chatted. unfortunately, 90% of the conversation was about day-care, sippy cups, and potty training. go figure. I had nothing to add. the wine was numbing. it felt good not to feel. I didn't feel infertile. I didn't feel like I had a dog at home dying of cancer(s.) I didn't feel all alone in a town full of college students. I didn't feel like I had a husband that is always taking care of someone else and is never home.

I felt nothing until I got home. and threw up.

adding insult to injury

I'm considering writing a letter to CVS because of discrimination and blatant insensitivity. I drove to the pharmacy yesterday to buy some hydrocortisone cream to self-medicate my sickly rash. the parking lot was relatively empty and I chose a spot near the entrance. it was raining. I pulled in just to notice the large, blue, rectangular sign "EXPECTANT MOTHERS ONLY." Bollocks! I drove round and round feverishly looking for the sign that said "NASTY SKIN RASH PATRONS ONLY." no such luck.

this is the second time a "sign-assault" has happened to me. my first experience was at my local stop & shop. the sign screamed "PARKING FOR THOSE WITH INFANTS." in other words "BACK UP AND DRIVE AWAY INFERTILE!" or "YOU SUCK. YOU FAILED. SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

you'd think getting into your family friendly (how ironic) subaru station wagon and driving across town to get some organic rice milk, decaf coffee and paper towels would be simple -- an unemotional event. but no. I have to be reminded, yet again, of what I don't have. what I may never have. can't I just shop in peace? hey! I've recently experienced "acute emotional upset" (see previous post) and maybe I need a little care and consideration. or a nice place to park.

from now on it's walgreens. and trader joes.

now what?!

I have a sickly skin condition. it's ugly and it's spreading. it started in the middle of the left side of my back and has been slowly creeping down and NOW over to my belly. a pattern of red, oddly shaped blotches. they are not "raised" and they don't itch. they are just... there.

b is perplexed. I noticed a small rash after my one and only "successful" IVF cycle. (success in terms of finally getting to ER and ET.) is it a reaction to the smorgasbord of IVF meds and vitamin supplements? the pio shots maybe? b went to his/our medical bookshelf (all my books are stored in the basement) and found some pretty interesting information. I was convinced I had ringworm just because it's so nasty and gross. or even the flesh eating disease. well, it's not ringworm and there's no flesh eating going on. it appears to be some kind of blah blah blah psoriasis. "manifestations of the condition can occur following infection or (get this) acute emotional upset." that's me! the one with the acute emotional upset!

so which upset exactly brought on the sickly skin condition? the move? the botched renovations? the rapidly growing dept? the rapidly growing weight? the multiple failed IVFs? the multiple canine cancers? I wonder. at this point I'm expecting total body coverage of the mysterious red welts.

b said to make an appointment with a dermatologist just to be on the safe side. no way! not now. with all of the time I have spent at cornell and at the oncologist's office I am NOT adding another physician to my life. until I start to scratch or the rash ventures to where the public can see it, I'm simply going to ignore the presence of the blah blah blah...whatever.

to acupuncture or not?

I'm really struggling with this one. acupuncture was a significant part of my one and only ER (1 out of 3 attempts) so I am really considering adding it to my IVF #4 regimen -- wheat grass, whey protein shakes, 20 some odd vitamin supplements, no caffeine... the cost is what is holding me back. I just don't think we can swing it at the moment especially because our dog is so sick with cancer(s). do we continue to add to and inflate our IVF dept? do we suck it up and open up a new credit card? I need some advice here ladies (and you too (in)fertile frank.)

b had a long conversation the other night with his mother. I should clarify and say he had a long "listen" to his mother the other night. she went on and on and on about her acupuncturist... in chicago. she is adamant that we travel out there to see her. yeah, ok. are you paying?

silence. "our acupuncturist is great." b said.

long silence. "no, she is NOT korean."

silence. "she's trained and specializes in fertility."

extra long silence. "YES, I have met her and I like her a lot. she's taught us a great deal about nutrition, positive thinking and preparing for IVF emotionally."

here we have another shining example of her not accepting me or my choices. just because I don't see her acupuncturist mine must be bad. all wrong. I'm just so sick and tired of all her judgments. if I am unable to give her a biological grandchild it is because I didn't do it "the right way - her way."

so back to my predicament. do I spend the "extra" funds and go for the weekly needles? what to do. what to do.

I'm back

and feeling pretty good. chilli had his chemo on wednesday and after I headed north home to maine for a few days. I have a nice little satellite office set up there, a big open yard for the dogs to roam, and nothing but ocean to look at (when not staring at my mac.) oh, and lobster. lots of it!

some friends were visiting the area from ny for a long weekend. b came up saturday night from ct and we had them over for a lobster/clam feast complete with martinis -- straight up with olives -- my friend's specialty. NOTHING beats sitting on the deck overlooking the atlantic watching the sky and water change colors with the sunset. after the lobster massacre we had defrosted wedding cake for dessert. fyi, frozen fondant is very similar to tupperware. shocking to us all, the cake was quite good. or maybe it was the champagne that our friends brought that made it taste so yummy. in keeping with the celebration, I sported my veil from last year (complete with festive ostrich feathers.) I loooved that veil. it's too bad I was only allowed to wear it for like 20 minutes at my own wedding. even with the IVF weight gain, the veil still fit!

so the salt air, sun, and beach did us good. I feel more optimistic and encouraged to start our next cycle and chilli is "side-effect-free." business is great (and relatively creative.) it's nice to be back and feeling good.

the dream

I was back in college. I was in a familiar dorm room hanging out and chatting with 2 friends that I haven't thought of in years. literally years. it was actually quite nice to "see" them and visit for a bit. we had a lot of catching up to do. unlike me, they hadn't aged a morsel. those 1980's hairstyles were looking pretty current and rather hip.

I said I was having fertility issues and was going through IVF. I wanted to be open and honest with everyone. I was going to need some help with the dogs and had to explain the reason for my early morning (monitoring) trips to nyc from... syracuse!

"don't wait until your my age to start having children. it's so much harder when your eggs are old."

they were visibly flustered and bothered by my confession and clearly wanted nothing to do with me or my reproductive words of advice. wow.

why?!

I was upset and needed answers. I went to track down my roommate at the school of architecture. I found her sitting at a drafting table chatting with her husband and 2 kids. I told her about my conversation back at kimmel hall (the old dorm.) she started to explain why my friends were so disinterested. so incredibly cold.

and I woke up.

round 3

"the train must come to a complete stop before it can start moving backwards." (or something like that...)

L said this to me referring to chilli's course of treatment. he hasn't gotten any worse (good news) but there were no visible changes on his x-rays (bad news.)

"If the medicine tastes bad it must be working." (or something like that...) J was referring to the chemo and all the terrible side effects chilli has suffered through. if this is true then our little pug is well on his way to being cured. yeah. right.

words of wisdom from my family of medical professionals.

chilli had his third chemo yesterday. so far there have been no obvious side effects (touch wood.) arrogant vet is trying a different medication this time with the hope of a slight reduction in tumor size. as with any large, slow growing tumor even a tiny bit of shrinkage would be awesome.

it amazes me how many people have a vet oncologist in their life. now that I have a dog with cancer (plural) I'm involved in a whole new world. pets with a terminal illness. arrogant vet's practice is a busy operation. sadly, there are a lot of us out there.

"my pug has liver lymphoma and an atypical thymoma in his chest. what kind of disease does your basset hound have?"
"bone cancer."
"I'm sorry."

it's like infertility. I'm always shocked at how many infertiles I see in the waiting room at cornell. sometimes every seat is taken. again, sadly, there are a lot of us out there.

"I am a poor responder with old eggs and I have a husband with a low count and low morph. what's your deal?"
"PCOS and six failed IUIs."
"I'm sorry."

canine oncology and reproductive endocrinology. my hobbies. my life.

"the" discussion

b and I finally had it yesterday.

donor eggs.

as expected, "new RE dr d" did mention DE as an option. what's nice about that concept is that there is not time limit. no ticking clock. if "new RE dr d" is unable to perform his magic (but he will) we can wait 1.5 years when b will finally have an income. a paycheck once and for all! at that point I'll be a 73 year old with a newborn!

with any bad news, you learn to adjust and cope with the passage of time. when my mom passed away I thought I would never get over the pain and extreme sadness that consumed me for so long. the depression physically hurt. as time went on I was forced to "accept" the loss. you have no choice.

not having a biological child with b would be another major loss in my life. on some level I feel like I have been subconsciously preparing myself for bad news. DE talk a year ago would have sent me to bellevue psychiatric hospital in hysterics. I've been existing with a constant lowgrade grief since I had my tubes removed. there has been a lot of time to think. to mourn. we all know IVF does not come with any guarantees. after 3 spirited attempts thus far, the reality of our complex situation is sinking in. I hope we won't have to "accept" the loss of a biological child. if that is sadly the case, we have the DE in our back pocket.

"new RE dr d"

is the man! he is everything (and more) that I had hoped for. I really believe that if someone out there can get us pregnant, it's "new RE dr d." b and I are FINALLY in the proper hands. experienced hands. hands that are sensitive to poor responders with sperm challenged husbands. all those persistent (no doubt very annoying) phone calls and desperate emails paid off. like mum always used to say "the squeaky wheel.."

there will be no (I repeat NO) bcps used next cycle. he suggested co-culture! that was music to my ears. I have been fantasizing and dreaming of co-culture from the minute I walked into cornell's super fancy suite. "new RE dr d" was actually a bit more hopeful than I imagined he would be. he has had successes with women like me. he just got a 43.5 year old woman pregnant! I have been lurking on an IVF board and watching her situation closely. she finally got her BFP. it's awesome.

we feel an enormous sense of relief. we are moving onward and upward -- making progress. I'm breathing again!

16 sept 07

today is our wedding anniversary! 1 year!!!

today was supposed to be our ET.
((((big sigh))))

IVF. cancelled.

I did it.

14 hours before egg retrieval I called off the procedure. after 12 days of stimming and daily (4 hour round trip train) monitoring in manhattan (including yesterday's 4:12 am train) at $32-$37 round trip, $4 subway round trip, $7 daily parking, and the occasional frenzied cab ($30), the cycle's a bust.

my "current" RE is on maternity leave (how selfish) and in terms of my personal care, I have fallen through the cracks. suddenly I don't have a doctor. I refused to have the temp RE take over and I chose a doctor within the practice who is known for his success with poor responders. I am the epitome of the poor responder.

after daily, numerous calls to "new RE dr d" he never called me back. his stupid ass, idiotic, incompetent receptionist assured me that he or she would return my phone calls. my biggest fear was that the transition to "new RE dr d" wouldn't be smooth. wouldn't happen. my insticts were right on. I indeed fell through the cracks and was in no-man's land flailing at cornell.

I had 2 "senior" follicles and 1 "junior." I was on the fence about proceeding with such a small reserve. I needed to speak with a doctor to get more information, facts, before I could feel confident with the retrieval. it all seemed way too risky. after at least 7 frantic calls to new RE dr d yesterday alone, I still did not get a response. I ended up ringing the main desk. this was an emergency!

early evening I finally touched base with the attending on-call. he spent 15 minutes with me going into detail my b/w and u/s results. we talked about the risks of failing and the cost. we talked about trying a different protocol next time. the point is, WE TALKED! I actually had a conversation with a doctor who addressed my concerns. halleluiah! "if you were my patient, I would suggest we not go though with the retrieval." that's all I needed to hear -- sound advice from a pro. I am obviously incapable of managing my own care and making significant medical decisions. I draw pictures for a living.

my ovaries are killing me right now. I am happy(?) with my decision -- it was the right one -- but very sad and disappointed. does that make sense? b is pretty upset and he is concerned that each delayed cycle could potentially be worse. time is not on our side. I'm old.

this last week has been total hell and complete torture for me. between a very sick, post chemo pug in diapers with uncontrollable oozing diarreah (he was eventually hospitalized), the stresses of an IVF cycle (with no doctor), and dealing with cancelled insurance coverage (I forget to send in a check-- surprise, surprise) I am completely and totally spent.

baby parking

"I'm off now to get some diapers." DH said.

how I've longed to hear those exact words. yes, b returned from shopping with a package of diapers. sadly they were purchased for chilli, our dog.

the second round of chemo really destroyed our little pug. his symptoms have been extreme -- lethargy, vomiting, shaking, drooling, and the terrible, terrible explosive diarrhea. it's so bad. it's a constant uncontrollable stream that requires a diaper. I'm forever cleaning him up, mopping the floors and rewashing dog beds. it's so incredibly heartbreaking. he really seems to be suffering and I am responsible.

how do you know when enough is enough? am I being selfish by putting him through all these debilitating treatments? he had a few nauseated days with his first chemo and then he rallied. you wouldn't even know he was sick. this round has been an entirely different experience -- one I don't know if he (or I) can go through again.

I am scheduled for egg retrieval, with 3 lousy follicles, this thursday. I am totally unprepared for this. I feel like it would be a lot less trouble to simply toss the thousands of dollars out the window instead of actually following through with this cycle. I've been so focused on chilli and have completely neglected my own health and diet. waking up daily at 4 am to trek into the city for monitoring is exhausting. working (even just a little) is exhausting. dealing with multiple REs, the IVF nurses, the ER vet, the oncologist, the billing department, the insurance company AND the electrician is exhausting. feeling incredibly defeated and sad is... well you know, exhausting.

pulling into a parking space at super stop and shop in order to buy chilli some boiled chicken, white rice and pedialyte just added fuel to the fire. it was a typical non-handicapped space until I noticed the sign. "this space reserved for those with infants." in other words, "infertiles not allowed."

my life

as a poor responder. more distressing news. all those promising follicles that we saw a few days ago are no longer. where did they go? I am now back to 2 (maybeee 3) on my left ovary and 1 on my right. goddammit! what the hell?! my 8 3/4 month pregnant RE said "I'm sorry." she's sorry?!

I blame the 3 months of bcps. "don't over-suppress the poor responder!" I tried with all my might to not completely fall apart in the middle of rush hour in grand central. the lump in my throat actually hurt. all I wanted to do was collapse and sob on the #6 train platform. do we continue with this cycle? the reality is this whole IVF thing is probably just a fantasy. an indulgent, exhaust the savings, challenge the marriage, risk major depression, full-on fantasy.

the realization of possibly never getting pregnant in my lifetime hit very, VERY hard. it's an "awareness" that you want to have when you are safe at home with family not running to catch the commuter train to new haven. this is it. for real. if the IVF is not a success it's an entirely new challenge that I am not prepared for. this morning when I woke at 4:00 I sincerely had hope. I believed I had multiple follicles filled with potential. it's b's birthday and I was banking on having fantastic news to celebrate. we could use some good news in this house.

happy birthday b! and I'm sorry.

labor day weekend

a memory I will never forget. labor day 1997.

I had just purchased, completely on my own, a 1-bedroom (post war 1960's ugly white brick) co-op apartment in manhattan. it was on the cusp of beautiful gramercy park -- but no man's land actually. it had a doorman. it had private outdoor space. it was all mine!

my mom came down to visit. our relationship had been "strained" for a few months because she had openly (and painfully) disapproved of my long term boyfriend at the time. he and I were planning on spending our lives together and it was common knowledge that my family was not thrilled. these were challenged times.

she loved my choice... in apartments. I could tell she was very proud of me. yes, the space needed work and some fine tuning but it was all good. nyc on labor day weekend is a ghost town. we totally took advantage of the empty streets. proper straight-up gin martinis and polenta at the union square cafe bar. late afternoon movies at the angelica film center. shopping on lower 5th ave. we had a fantastic time. she loved NY. she had the jackie O sunglasses and hermes scarf. she fit right in.

I remember hailing her a cab back to la guardia airport early tuesday morning before heading off to work. I was unhappy to see her go and she was visibly sad as well. we promised to go to the us open next labor day to see some great tennis. flushing ny is just a few subway stops away.

my mom landed safely in boston and got home to maine uneventfully.

then came the call. I remember exact details like it was yesterday. what I was wearing -- a brown suit and light blue shirt. the weather -- cloudy and very muggy. the meeting -- seagrams building, midtown manhattan. she had had a major seizure back at home and was hospitalized at mass general hospital with a glioblastoma brain tumor. cancer. how could this be?! she had conquered ovarian cancer some years before. she had already suffered through the surgeries and all the horrific treatments. how could this be?! her life, our lives, changed forever that day. never to be the same.

labor day weekend 1997. what an amazing time we had. that was the last time I saw mum healthy and well. I will forever cherish this memory.